trapdoor

2003-12-20T00:05:00.000-06:00

It's OVAH!

2003-12-11T23:15:00.000-06:00

People often say they'd like to get away, move to the country and ditch electricity. They don't mean it, they would miss everything.

But the state of my room and my school-brain really makes me want the simple life. If my house burned down, I'd be glad, so long as all the wildlife that dwells here made it out. It's tempting to want to grab the box of photos, my pink Moon Dreamers lunchbox, the CDs, and blah blah. But I think relief would soon follow the release from my material life. No, I would cry

There's some book I bought on a whim so long ago and never read. But it's about a fairly wealthy couple who attend the opera and return to a completely stripped apartment, robbed. There's the panic, but there's also a sense of freedom from material and from the dedication to such a life. I makes me want to cry... the back cover of an unread book. I'm sure it's a good one.

The holiday from school is coming, hur-frakin-ray, 'bout time. Before the celebration, however, I'm looking to hire someone for the writing of a nine-page paper on the flick "Double Indemnity" in comparison with another movie chosen from the class's presented films. Gah! Save me from the torturous hell of paper writing for I am a pansy.

Oh goodnight to all the people in the world, except those that don't experience night at the same time as we, but they have a saved goodnight, good for redemption at the appropriate time.

2003-12-10T19:56:00.000-06:00

Snow and vapor and moon and star and car. And hazelnut wafer cookies.

In other news, I got a fever. And the only prescription is, more cowbell.

2003-11-24T21:04:00.000-06:00

It is kinda funny to receive an email with a subject line of "Gèt Lâid Now!..". With all the crazy accent marks, you could imagine a real enthusiastic foreign sort of fellow saying that, like Flavio from my eleventh grade chemistry class

In actuality, the 'i' and 'o' also had crazy accent marks. You should mentally insert such marks when considering the phrase

2003-11-20T13:33:00.000-06:00

When I was little, my mom dressed up as a gangster for Halloween. She even had a violin case.

When everyone's away, the cats will play. They have little black agenda books. They like to lounge in the bathtub and watch squirrels from the front window. When the humans return, the cats fall asleep. I think, however, that the tuxedo cat has a red, not black, agenda book.

When I lived in our old house, our room had green carpet and yellow walls. I once threw a Band-Aid tin at my friend Matthew and made his nose bleed.

I still feel a tinge of remorse

2003-11-17T23:56:00.000-06:00

Hello, my name is One-Track

Every single person I want to talk to right now is inaccessible. This is craziness.

I am searching for a few good people to accompany me to Chicago, IL beginning Tuesday, December 30 through Thursday, January 1. I want to see the White Stripes along with the Flaming Lips. I'm sure there isn't anyone around who cares as much as I do and I sound like a maniac. But this came out of nowhere, suddenly, and I want to go so bad my skin feels cold and my brain doesn't care what the rest of life is doing.

I'm soaking my days in anxiety and I'm gonna have an ulcer by the time I finish the semester! I had better leave. If you're out there, people who think it's cool to take a three day whirlwind holiday in Illinois, you should mos def step up!

2003-09-21T20:37:00.000-05:00

I said it, I like the college life. But I think it's misused. This is not the designated philosophy depot, not the marker in your life pointing at when to pick up useful information, not, for god's sake, the place at which to commence the partying. People running around demanding their fair share. They should just chill out. So, I like it and just dislike some of the people.

They're fine, they're probably very intelligent credible people with bright ideas and even brighter futures. They can ace their essays and I can't. I'm not in honors or anything and it's very likely that I don't belong at that school at all. I'm good at being ignored and I like drawing.

I like the art class and I like my professor. Majority of the people in this course do not appreciate his effort at making art beautiful. They think he's boring, too boring to know anything about art, they actually said that. That's such a stupid thing to think. I would never make a judgement like that. Things can be categorized and shuffled off into shelves but people are different.

In other news, I haven't exactly kept up with the internet lives of others so I don't expect anyone else to keep up with mine, really. But this writing is relaxing and makes it seem like I'm making an effort at producing a life... Well that sounded like I'm trying to get pregnant.

And geez, another thing somewhat unrelated: everyone on that campus smokes! Like chimneys, like a great big human chimney convention after, between, before classes it's a nonstop meeting. It'd be funny if some of them are vegetarians too. I could right an essay on that perhaps. The juxtaposition of two seemingly contradictory things.

Essays, yes, that's been covered. My English teach slaughtered mine: "Awkward", "Not a word" regarding 'achetypical'. So I guess I've been using a nonword all this time, isn't that wacky? "Mismatched logic", "Too general". I tell ya, I never had such troubles in high school. So much for college preparation. Warning: another paragraph. I like them, they... separate.

French is like drowning in a lanuage swimming pool, yet I like it. Madame Z is pleasant and patient. My film class is all right too. Except there are a lot of people in there, mostly bigmouths and chic-y film club starters, a few quiets. The professor is great, he's loud and colorful and uses his hands in speech. I always thought that was a nice feature and not an etiquette flaw. You've read, of course, of art and how I love it dearly. My FYE class focuses on film also. I doubt I'll end up having anything to do with film and its production but the course is fine. My cellular phone rang once and set me with one of those reputations. Aside from being constantly bombarded by unwanted stimuli and unnecessary anxiety, I like going to college. I like living at home and eating for free and sleeping in my bed and not having to share the room and the air and the light and the telly. I'll move out eventually and don't understand the great rush to get away. And I'm considering continuing this writing experience. I used to fancy it selfish and arrogant, assuming other people never gave a shit about what happened in someone else's life. And this is all true, if you're writing to those reasons. But I'm not and no one reads this and I'm safe

2003-08-04T00:29:00.000-05:00

Oh my god. For six days straight I've received absolutely nothing but pornographic e-mail. Nix "Kill Your Television", Kill Your Computer!

2003-07-23T23:47:00.000-05:00

Meredith brought back Italian lavander shampoo. It is... wonderful

2003-07-19T21:26:00.000-05:00

Mystery person hath signed the guestbook. Curious

2003-07-10T20:08:00.000-05:00

Something to be said for a person who for years sytematically spelled other people's names in the vegetable soup to finally spell her own.

2003-06-28T23:39:00.000-05:00

Chronology Zone Ahead

Yes... I did indeed graduate, yes go me.

In other news, the concerts of this month have been crazy rockin'. I had the fate of meeting Mr. Flea of none other than the RedHotChiliPeppers at a hotel in downtown Oklahoma City. Upon receiving our requested autographs, Elizabeth and I danced down the hallway and made a much bigger production than necessary. He was quite cool about the whole us knocking on his door in the late morning bit too. Previous to that, the Flaming Lips/Starlight Mints/and... Liz Phair? Yeah, because, of course, it only makes sense. Alison got to see a Kayla at her finest, being at her latest favorite show, few can say that. Shirts and chilling at the duplex with a faulty AC and cat obsessed with getting outdoors at any cost, roughin' it.

Most recently, ah yes, die WeiBstreifen. The preparation for this one, the minute planning and plotting of The Perfect Concert Outfit, as stupid as that seems, produced three very exited people waiting to see a band they each truly love. And it was fabulous. The merchandise was admittedly overpriced but I can't help but want to support them in any means. So I shamelessly shelled out $55 for a tee shirt and big red canvas bag with elephants and The White Stripes emblazoned on the front. Carting my new treasures along, I marched into the moshing, having my new shoes conveniently broken-in for me. Aside from the fact there were shirtless nuts running in little circles and roughing up girls, I had a nice time. Well now, have I covered them all?

Why yes, I have. Instead of unfairly placing each concert experience in order by which I liked best, I am sitting them prettily on a very wide and accommodating pedestal as favorites, 'cause they all rocked my face off equally.

Everyone should see their favorite band in concert, plates your love in silver. Any case, perchance this unexpected taking up of updating will last. Only one way to find out

2003-05-27T23:20:00.000-05:00

my graduation is in approximately 18 hours, expo pavilion, 6pm, be there or be trapezoid

2003-05-04T16:31:00.000-05:00

"the rumors of my death are greatly exaggerated!" the entire month of april passed utterly void of my online human influence, thus begins and acutely ends the summary of my life:

i have been once rejected; twice told that i am the only person to do a certain thing; thrice called upon by the dean of students due to lack of attendance; had the most horrible, dark, and lonely times; and had the best and most memorable times

being on allergy meds can make a planet of difference

2003-03-22T00:30:00.000-06:00

this *bahm!* is what we do to people who don't sign the guestbook. in any case, i'm going to pretend that there are humans other than meredith and sarah who read this and that i love them!

a different story: about seven hours ago all i wanted was to wear flipflops and off-colour sweaters to work. but the before and the after involved more complex thoughts

another story: i really really want to do something that i've never done before. i have a plan so unbelievably detailed that it swims back and forth between real and fantasy. like when dreams are too realistic you can't tell if you've actually done what you dreamed or not. only it's no dream, it's mah LIFE! stomach is so fluttery. i'm convinced that i will develop ulcers and other stress-related maladies from this delightful agony. ah-ha delightful agony!

but enough about me, let's talk about you, you nonexistent readers...

2003-03-09T11:55:00.000-06:00

Sweet mercy, I've been neglecting this like you wouldn't believe. So sorry. But apparently, you've reciprocated by refusing to sign the guest book. So I think that a threat is in order. If no-one signs the guest book, dreadful and terrible things will happen. Dreadful and terrible. Kayla, show them what we do to people who don't sign the guest book. ~m.

2003-03-06T17:52:00.000-06:00

you people diappoint me like nothing else, serious. goodbye

2003-03-04T16:31:00.000-06:00

i dare everyone NOT to sign the guestbook. you'll crack under this level of pressure haHA!

2003-02-26T23:18:00.000-06:00

i wish they wouldn't make a movie about sylvia plath. that just bothers me. flicks about people already adequately described in literature suck big time, s'just not fair

i also wish that they would not cancel school tomorrow, because i am going absolutely INSANE with boredom! not even boredom, maybe just the absence of a regular social scene. gad! give me class or give me death or a really really good substitute for class. i'm done here, no use drawing this out. all right boys, salt the streets like nobody's bizness ~k.

2003-02-25T11:55:00.000-06:00

you got me straight trippin boo

s'been a while, no? yes and a fun while. gaby and i went sledding yesterday! it was... cold. we were at the park for maybe fifteen minutes and our pant legs were literally frozen. i mean, crazy cold outside. the red sled is dead. ha HA! yes, and we left it there for some unfortunate kid without a means of downhill transportation

but before that, it was a t-shirt making party at elizabeth's for her josh's birthday, isn't that just darling? it has a poodle on it and it's funny beyond frak. afterword, we dropped her at his house and went on a very specific mission. and every place in the universe was sold out of the plastic disks for sledding bah humbug. so we settled for a trashcan holder-upper and the now-defunct red toboggan, fun times. methinks that's about it, just seemed time for an update to my extraordinarily exciting life

the birds outside, they look funny and cheery when they're foraging for food, feathers puffed up. but they're probably freaking out and think nothing is charming or nostalgic about the way they are in desperate conditions. yeah so think about that next time you get all delighted by the birdies in the snow, haha. the next paragraph is totally unrelated to previous paragraphs, just to let you know. otherwise, i'm done here

one more. that michael jackson interview is on and i am amazed! swear to gad, he's lying through his teeth, about everything! it's hilarious to a point of ridiculousness. one, just one plastic surgery. his explanation: "people change. i've changed". and the children situation: it's frightening, suriously. "the world needs love. what's wrong with sharing the love?" he shares a bed with children unrelated to himself, there's a problem there. ugh, don't want to talk any more about this. don't watch the tele, it eats your brain! ~k.

2003-02-16T16:06:00.000-06:00

bringing a little reason in a world gone mad. Well, that's the last time I ignore the early symptoms of a cold to avoid disappointing guests. I practically had a coma right after my party. But I think it was worth it, as five of the nine guests were wearing the same shoes. And they all squeezed into my room to watch an anorexic girl make out with Connie Chung.

There is now a tie for my favorite word in the English language: incendiary. I love it. A close second would have to be psychotrope. If that's even a word.

Kayla, you seriously have to meet Austin's friend Sam. The two of you are scarily alike. Maybe he'll come to Roxie's with us over spring break.

I hate to be brief, but... gotta jet. Salaamu aleikum. ~m.

2003-02-14T17:13:00.000-06:00

the news is suriously reporting on the potential danger of chocolate binging on valentine's day and the ways to avoid it. is the entire world mad? has no one any self-control? gad!

this day was so nice for some reason. i never hated it, but i always sulked a bit. not today, however, just 'cause there's no need to be so dramatic anymore. it was like elementary school, passing out little folding valentines sealed with red heart stickers and receiving them and little candies. i gave the crew cards and they did the usual: nothing! well, jeff said thank you and i gave mister green a bear in a basket with pictures of tires glued to the hang tag and he felt exceptionally special. i don't know how to say it without seeming obsessed but i crave their attention. i know there are those who understand this exact feeling, that it's unnerving! well i guess that's two out of four, what're you gonna do? i think i'm scared of never reaching them, letting them know that i really appreciate their existences. i'm scared of losing everybody! people are going to be celebrating their graduation from high school and i'll be at home shamelessly crying in my room. ah well

i want to invite them to a movie, that'll be the day. everyone is occupied with their others and no one wants to spend v-day with me at the cinematheque. in other news, i made the coolest thing in the universe: a flipbook. like 62 pages worth and it's so funny. i'm turning it in as my first concentration piece and yeah, it's going to be good. i think that's all there is to say except that the weather is fan-bloody-tastic and maybe i'll go by myself and take pictures instead of wishing for someone to go with me to the flicks. later ~k.

2003-02-12T22:08:00.000-06:00

i like it when i hear a song on the radio maybe once and really really like it and never hear it again and get sad but then one tuesday night when i'm driving around with elizabeth and she's playing dj and creating a live mix tape and puts in a cd and plays that song that i heard once so long ago and loved and never heard again and got sad about

for the record i bought like eighteen new items, new as in new to me, the thrift shops caught me like a fish, of clothing this weekend through today and i'm just so excited about that. and even though i'm never one to talk about weight and silly things like that, i lost five pounds since i last weighed myself at april's house. now my driving license isn't lying. and today's party at meredith's was a Smash! it was simply perfect, even if it wasn't. comfortable and exciting and relaxed and exciting. you know, mere, we're going to have to do this again verra soon!

well, i already missed the 9.25 hours of sleep boat, so i'll go for 8.5. later ~k.

2003-02-09T00:23:00.000-06:00

i believe i've contracted the add. the days and hours pass so sslloowwlly. when i listen to a three minute song it seems to go on forever without point and that's terribly sad, since i know truly that i like the music. it's irritating me beyond crap and creating imbalances in my harmony. in fact, i just lost myself for like ten minutes simply staring at the wall. and it was probably only for thirty seconds, can't tell if that's better or worse.

i want to see a flick tomorrow but don't want to go to work. i want a certain crowd with me at the movies but doubt if they will all gather accordingly. what's worse than not getting what you want? being teased by only getting part of it

i'm actually happier than this entry might indicate, just sleepy. hopefully, we'll see "about schmidt".might just make my day ~k.

2003-02-05T17:33:00.000-06:00

I've been so frightfully bad about blogging lately. I suppose that's what happens when one divides one's time between two web arenas. Kayla and I will be at the gallery tomorrow night, post which she will be watching CSI at my house. It's all going perfectly to plan. I really should start seriously making my decision as to whether or not I'll be attending yoga classes. Most likely not. But nothing is certain, and Colin Powell is a liar and a puppet. ~m.

2003-02-03T23:07:00.000-06:00

i too have something to say. i realize the magnitude of flack the mtv-promoted donnas/okgo concert got. but dangit. i really liked it, a lot. maybe because the cain's is built on crazy railroad springs and when all the children get excited and jump at the same time, it's like a trampoline. it was much fun. and imagine my surprise to see the blueblack crew there, suriously. never even crossed my mind. they make for excellent concert-goers

april came with me and we also saw brianna and company, and leo. i should have brought meredith, it would've been priceless. the items of purchase were somewhat reasonably priced and fun to say the least. i got a sticker and shirt with a van on it, woo. and the bass player's autograph from okgo. no one else was asking so i felt it was my job. and i really liked them too. the opening band, longwave, has this wacky sound about them, a lot of feedback and interesting distortions. i dig

and of course the donnas, they brought out the mosh pit in all the previously well-behaved kids. so april and i got the h out of the danger zone and rocked out in the back. despite the cigarette/pot smoke and spilt beer, i love that atmosphere. it was... fun ~k.

2003-02-02T19:02:00.000-06:00

I have something to say, something I've wanted to say for a very long time, but have not had a forum for. My absolute favorite word in the English language is, without a doubt, "snackwiches." Just consider that.~m.

2003-01-30T18:18:00.000-06:00

rule three, do not assume the original perpetrator is in fact doing what the plaintiff claims he/she is doing. you silly silly, i ignore no one. in other news, the mild kingdom 'round here is getting a little rambunctious. cats and rats and dogs and stray puppies galore. OH!

whoa dang i got to honk at someone today, the first time! the crazed lunatic did the same thing that alison freaked out about at the 41st and darlington light by the bs. turning left on a left turn yield on green light. and i was like baaaaamp, yeah take that you lawbreaker you. liberating

BUT, must dash. tomorrow i will be awake before the sun gets up, boarding a bus to a splendid day of adventure. for now, it's time for the pre-csi party at elizabeth's maison wackadoo! ~k.

2003-01-30T17:02:00.000-06:00

Rule two, do not ignore Meredith. Kayla, I've moved the party to the 12th, same time, same place.
I'm finally over my illness, and I'm LOVING school. Except for the two people I'm trying to avoid. I've decided to throw my-self on the floor whenever I see them. That seems like a sensible plan. I'm not very coherent at the moment, so I'll leave you good people be.
As salaamu aleikum. ~m.

2003-01-29T17:00:00.000-06:00

rule one, do not knock the csi. which reminds me, our astronomy class lost like 3/4 of its previous population. now, with nine students including myself, it has transformed into the coveted forensics course. this is like my dream class. we're going to be messing around with fingerprint analysis, blood spatter, dna, mock crime scenes, and the likes thereof. what excitement!

friday is the kansas city trip i can barely contain myself. i just love trips and art and museums and sack lunches. ah! too much! must leave for fear of implosion. p.s to meredith: i believe that we will indeed be in school the 14th. i could be wrong but it was in discussion today and despite what the calendar reads, i feel it might be true. and we're out the 12th too can you believe it! fracking protests never achieve anything, they should know that. anycase, later. it's yoga time! ~k.

2003-01-28T16:31:00.000-06:00

Ah, my long-neglected internet domicile. What a tragic week it's been. I have started all new classes. The tragic part is that they're very fun classes, but I haven't been able to enjoy them because I'm feeling rather icky. But next week I'm sure will be better.

I called k last night to get blue/black crew updates. She listened for about 30 seconds before saying, "Could you repeat that? CSI is on and I wasn't listening." Really makes you feel loved. But she's magic markered me in for the party on the 14th. More when I don't feel so utterly wretched. Free Mumia.

As salaamu aleikum. ~m.

2003-01-26T11:29:00.000-06:00

i made tuna fish salad and the cats went bananas, well, fishes i guess. when you type banana, don't you just want to keep tapping na-na-na over and over? bananananananananananananawoohoo. that is all ~k.

2003-01-22T16:51:00.000-06:00

realize i haven't personally posted on this biz in close to a week. that's refrackindiculous. finals are tomorrow and friday. i don't why everyone gets so hung up on the eintsy things, they're basically regular tests with an ominous facade, b-o-o, h-o-o. anyway

my art class is so nice, even if i'm always nervous as frack and shut up in there. our latest paintings are the final and that's dandy by me. i hate mine and realize that that's stupid to think such things. so to throw my brain for a loop, i LOVE! my painting and it's, it's vivid Colour! and Texture! and Telephones! and everyone else's are so nice too, really. there are maybe three that just disgust me while the others are quite enjoyable. i know she's proud and i like to see that, 'specially wissen. today there were children walking about with flyers advertising edison week shirts. holy cow, i might actually buy one, they're so funny. mrs wissen supplied the photos of thomas edison quadrupled and clothed in a.)sherlock holmes gear b.)wacky-tacky crazy doo c.)peterpan getup d.)superlative stuff. i dislike the superlative shite because it's so friggin dumb to get all dressed up, man, you can go to church to get dressed up. the others, however, i dig. how about a paragraph?

drew and i coloured them up a bit today in anatomy. yes, they are nice now. i might even cough up the twelve dollars for a shirt, only if they promise to deliver it in secret, got a rep to protect an' all. well now. aside from holding a miniature football hostage, there are no interesting stories to tell. the blueblack crew has mysteriously shut up and i do not like it. makes me nervous. if you see them, tell them to stop it, making k. nervous is no good. well that's all...

to yoga, hurray! no really, i am excited ~k.

2003-01-21T10:27:00.000-06:00

As salaam aleikum.
I hope everyone had a good Martin Luther King, Jr. day.
Kayla and I had a swingin' time in Tahlequah, dusting and vacuuming my grandparents' house, hopefully earning enough money for the prom. Then we went to the mall, horror of horrors, and looked for shoes. I found some that would look great with my dress, but they only were in size 8 and I have to wear 8.5! Isn't it just AWFUL?
I turns out that I'm not transferring to East Central, so I won't have to find out whether or not I could last more than three seconds in a fight. ~m

2003-01-17T08:59:00.000-06:00

Blast these blogs and their evil machinations! They're out to get me!~m

2003-01-17T08:58:00.000-06:00

Continuing the saga of Kansas:
We knew the hotel had class by the amazing number of lamps in the joint. In the lobby, probably a 2:1 lamp to person ratio during peak lounging hours. Thus we entered. After a short detour to the front desk, on to the elevator. The elevator was verra nice. Except that if you didn't have a key card, the doors would not open to let you out. We would have been trapped, but for my quick thinking and level head. "Hey, you think we should put the key card in that thing?" On to the room, where we discovered a fabulous view of the fountain and the river. Also, soaps, shampoos, and MENDING KITS, which we became obsessed with acquiring from the maid's cart while she wasn't looking.

2003-01-17T08:51:00.000-06:00

Continuing the saga of Kansas:
We knew the hotel had class by the amazing amount of lamps in the joint. In the lobby, probably a 2:1 lamp to person ratio during peak lounging hours. Thus we entered. After a short detour to the front desk, on to the elevator. The elevator was verra nice. Except that if you didn't have a key card, the doors would not open. We would have been trapped, but for my quick thinking and level head. "Hey, you think we should put the key card in that thing?" On to the room, where we discovered a fabulous view of the fountain and the river. Also, soaps, shampoos, and MENDING KITS, which we became obsessed with acquiring from the maild's cart while she wasn't looking.

2003-01-16T16:29:00.000-06:00

I should note that I realize that the French I used in my last entry was completely incorrect. But, the people at Edison don't know that.
I just can't seem to get enough of this blogging. Brianna gave me one that could be completely mine, but I can't seem to be able to enter it. Knowing how technically challenged I am, it could be that the computer isn't on.
Next time I shall finish the long-ago started story of Kansas. Salam. ~m.

2003-01-16T08:20:00.000-06:00

Quois genre de fete est ce? Stupid American dog, What kind of party is this? What do you mean, No smoking?!
All in good time.
I would just like to say, happy birthday to Stacie. Kayla and everyone's favorite Meredith are getting back into the yoga!
Namaste.

2003-01-15T22:11:00.000-06:00

oh yeah, and check out the guestbook yo, that took a while to figure out. this html bizness isn't so tough but it is a bit confusing. so sign it dangit

2003-01-15T22:05:00.000-06:00

trapdoor received a slight makeover for her extraneous efforts in keeping me in something of a habit. that's probably a lie, but i just quiver at the thought of the power to change the virtual world. any case, now meredith has the freedom and responsibility to hack in any time. thus you have been handed the duty of differentiating between the two of us

movin' along: there isn't much to say except the usual. however, there are plans in the making involving a senior prom. this i am v excited about. we're talking spike-the-punch sort of antics, minus the alcohol because i detest the stuff. it is my and perhaps elizabeth's intention to escort the blueblack crew, whether they really know it or not. i'm thinking ridiculous limousine and corsages for the boys, oh what fun it'll be! but please, if you have access to these persons, keep it on the down low or low down or dl or ld. all in good time

otherwise, nothing much goes about these parts. it's rather late and i simply must get a quick start to today's tomorrow. party out ~k.

2003-01-15T17:13:00.000-06:00

Kayla, I think I've got it now. The problem turned out to be the space bar. (not to be confused with your tiki bar.)

2003-01-12T00:02:00.000-06:00

well, uh, that paper biz could find no way of engaging my attention for long. so i am back because the world stopped in its tracks and the only happenings exist in my household: a rambling ruckus of overnight friends, nintendo, trading spaces, dogs, cats, rats, and fake rats. cooking smells and media gone mad.

my sleepy mind has taken a dip in the lovely pool. i am thinking that it is so pretty that the way the hidden threads under the hems of my pants are tied off is in braids. of course, it was done by a machine. april mentioned that my senior portrait looks like that of a hippie. and frackityfrack now that i look at it, she's right. what would they say it i cut off all of my hair, all of it?

"today's good things and last night's shows, the have-you-heards and the did-you-knows... seems i never get enough of... me?" ah! how it irritates me to not get shit done. when i die of boredom, tell them i willed to donate my body to science. but research paper is yelling at my face, telling me what a stupid procrastinator i am and no college wants an indistinguishable, lackadaisical body, warm or otherwise. there is a growing fear that i am just like so many others. predictability is not marketable. blah biddy blah blah blah. if i wrote a novella would you read it? would you publish it and call it a sensation, a "touching look into the surprisingly extraordinary life of a cashier... taking the plain, underrated events of our character and revealing a life of idiosyncrasies and crossing of paths that will leave the reader gasping for air... a must-read... three thumbs up..."? here's some space to recuperate. i have typed way too much and it is far past my designated sleeping time. thank you for reading, it is a pleasure to at least imagine i am communicating with a real person in some indirect way

2003-01-11T20:57:00.000-06:00

about spring break ninety-eight: i had only the opportunity to ask fry and well, he started talking about a ski trip of sorts. i suppose i should have known better, they need each other to think as one. oh and a funny story... uh, every encounter with them is a funny story. but i was informed that my mouth is a house of lies. "don't try to act nonchalant stripes! we know". then they dropped a note in my bag enlightening, should say puzzling, elizabeth and myself: "stripes is the one that gets to me. stripes stripes stripes that's a pretty name very pretty too pretty stripes stripes stripes stripes stripes. -f.s.f". thus our current mission is to find out who this f.s.f. persona is. it's so amusingly frustrating trying to figure them out

mrs wissen and mrs rollofson think that it's just their reaction to girls that makes them wacky. that is so sweet and i'm not being sarcastic. any case, i'm through here, there are papers galore to write. cannot wait until maunday! everything's going quite well that i just get so excited about the week

*grammar rock the house you crazy anglos!*

2003-01-07T23:05:00.000-06:00

how things fall into place is watching a portrait being created. just so happy. and nervous as hell. never so much in my life. well that is untrue, but close

imagine doing something, nothing bad mind you, but purposely not telling anyone. and holding your little secret, secret that makes your fingertips tingle and heartbeat quicken, to yourself. so meredith calls and informs me that i have yet to tell her about it. wait what! yo i thought i didn't tell anyone! well i didn't and that's the hilarity of it all. amazing is the way in which humans are so connected to one another. always a chain reaction and always someone who you thought you saw out of the corner of your eye but dismissed with the wind. i knew, knew that there was something wacky different this morning when i felt their odd glances. so tonight's conversation served as the explanation eureka! any case, this no doubt makes NO sense but it shouldn't, 'cause it's crazy! wackafrackindoo

ah, i feel like 007, like spy, like caped heroine. poetry and fields of flowers in my mind, y'know, stupid stuff. raise your hand if you're offended, yeah that's what i thought. groovin right along

glad. meredith is practically enrolled at edison now, hurray! i like it when things go right. lives are not meant to be spent in ways that displease a person. don't care about the 'real world' and what professors are always supposed to be 'preparing' us for. what's the point? there isn't any. it's silly to be convinced that the earth is an unforgiving and trecherous place and you might as well shoot your feet off before the crazies do. so mean and so cold. they should actually try and reverse the damage instead of lazily adhering to it. produce people of integrity with spirit instead of hard-hearted office space taker-uppers. but i could be wrong about the whole thing and Then what. AGGhh!

well um, i think that that is all that i have to say. as far as sticking to the point goes, i suck. but now you see and you know. and if ever you should wonder, just ask

memo of the day : f'gads sakes, it's just living and it's just life and it's just paper money and it's just man-made conventions that people get so hung up in

2003-01-03T00:11:00.000-06:00

experience has shown that thinking of the opposite of what you want when you want it most soothes the dull ache. therefore, i will think about a boring life full of nonsensical personalities and forgettable relationships. blech

just bored and bored. and do not want to have to work and fulfill obligations that do not interest me

i would like to make origami and lithographs and t-shirts; photographs that mean something and art that never lets on that it means something. blah blah blah i want. what do you want? what do the inhabitants of the world want when no one is watching?

"you are liars and liars. treasure map for the stripes, the treasure is in the paper". the people who mean the most to a person often have no idea that they do

2002-12-27T13:32:00.000-06:00

i like the fact that i have been so wrapped up in real life that i do not write more on this online journal of sorts.

i really like the materialistic secular aspect of christmas. this year was so nice and quiet and warm'n'fuzzy. slightly different because eve was spent at my aunt and uncle's house rather than at granny and papa's. we only watched "a christmas story" like three times instead of close to eight on its 24 hour marathon. then we drove to rhema and i really really liked the tree trunks wrapped in different coloured lights. and some paul mccartney seasonal tune

christmas day night the snow refroze and the park lights reflected on the sky and when i took off my glasses, the snow sparkles turned all crazy three dimensional. they floated and the stars floated and standing alone in my backyard, freezing, i was... i love the winter, i love it

2002-12-15T09:47:00.000-06:00

holy frijoles! i have to leave for work

"Flordia has its oranges boston has its tea but only oklahoma has a QT like me!" i clicked the paste button just to see what would come up, and yo, this is that. i have no idea where it came from

2002-12-07T01:16:00.000-06:00

there you have it folks. the meredith speaks. dig this whole guest weblog deal, think we're going to make her a regular on the kayla show. any case, back to biz

today! today i had the privilege of seeing joyce carol oates at my own dang school. i'm not one to be starstruck but actually hearing the person speak who's written the works i so thoughtfully read is a real trip. only three people from fourth hour english signed up, the punks, myself being one of those. but of course there was the other english class, and other schools and such. the people that i know! ah-ha, see i didn't realize that this was a big thing at first. of course i knew, but i had it in my head that it was going to be an event revolving around adults. their presentation of whatever award she is to receive and the likes, and we few students would be the exception. oh sometimes i think i have Add, suriously, 'cause i cannot pay attention to anything for any amount of time. no doubt mrs merrill mentioned how this shindig was to go down, and i was orbiting my little satellite of distraction. but attention span aside, it was rad. i really wanted a signed copy of her new novel but fate would not have it that way. oh well

anything else? nah, we're good. but i should throw in that the post-it industry is being single-handedly run by yours truly. and perhaps mr shroeder should expect a new spray of friendly fire. gad, that sounds awful, militia awful. should expect the identity of a so-named "secret admirer" (you kids and your diction!) to be revealed in the somewhat distant future. these things take time

in the time of the mean, i leave you with instructions to observe the stars for at least ten minutes each night, from a decent vantage. they are truly like diamonds, in that they seem capable of cutting glass in smooth and swift strokes. the later the better. a navy sky becomes quite the vacuum in the early hours of the morn. sucks all the bad light and leaves these incredible celestial objects suspended by invisible strings

who puppeteers the universe?

2002-12-03T20:13:00.000-06:00

as salaam aleikum wa rahmatullahi wabarakatuhu. THIS is the long-awaited guest column. Allow me to introduce my-self. I'm kayla's 'friend' meredith. I suppose i have been mentioned at various moments in this blog, but this is the first time i've been allowed to have my say. to-day, i accompanied kayla to her GRRL SCOUT meeting, and they loved me! I got an invitation to an eid-al-fitr party and otherwise took the Magic Empire by storm. Kayla and i had planned to attend a lecture by the man who invented Kwanzaa. but due to the condition of the roads, we were forbidden to go. so we drove around aimlessly until i had the bright idea of takin' over the internet. but now that the opportunity has presented its self, i am devoid of anything to say. good thing kayla's got my back.
Earlier i said we drove around aimlessly. not true. we drove by His house, and i'm not talking about God. twice!
I'm trying to screw Kayla's courage to the sticking place and get her to at least put a post-it on his car. mayhap she'll feel ready by march. it's just so exciting. i think that's all i have to say. maybe i'll get my own web farm and say even less.
Ramadan mubarak.

2002-12-02T21:29:00.000-06:00

crimeinitaly! they will never, ne-heh-varh, have my precious mc paul barman compact disque at borders. i guess i had it in my head that special orders were, you know, special. the employees of the twenty-first street store no doubt hate me, and they should. 'cause i'm gonna bug the frack out of them

2002-12-01T20:49:00.000-06:00

what's up with people totally not posting? i am d r o w n i n g in a sea of kayla-isms and no one will throw the ole diversity ring out. that's probably the stupidest analogy i've ever concocted. it had to happen some time or another.

ah the week is on the approach. my heart picks up on the familiar flutter i had as an infant. why doesn't everyone have such a good time at school? they really ought to, it's fun stuff. the weekend actully did not kill me though. guess we're getting over the childish obsession with high school... oh no we're not! oh senior year, don't leave me. but sticking to the point, t-day was all right. it did us some good not to spend so much time with the extended family. that sounds awful but come on, i see these people every holiday and that's plenty. about four hours in stillwater and back to the casa. wait a sec, the point of the paragraph was? here's back the kangaroo and mind map. hop hop skippity skip

then yes, friday night with julie who has become, if she ever disbecame, the favourite cousin. we made the rounds and ended up at borders where jen, her friend i know from weblogish descriptions, and leo were hangin. i just love seeing people in public. see if we can narrow that down: i just love seeing people i know slightly from association with other people i know only slightly still from specific locations in locations other than those previously specified. i challenge you to untangle that web! any case, that was fun. i got a chance to actually talk to the legends themselves. and now they are privy to my favourite secret! yahoo and approval, rock out. know what this means, yeah you do. the attack is on

that was but a detour. at least a scenic one, lots of pretty trees and mountains. anywho, jules and i saw "they", a generic flick that passed through my head as quickly as it spurted out on the screen. don't pay six bucks to see this one, don't even wait for video man, just go over to the kid's house who rents it. "the ring" scared the crap out of me, bigtime. and this, well it left me vividly remembering the ring and thus i became scared anew. ah great! now i'll be pathologically afraid of the dark for another two weeks. but the movie itself is pretty blah, despite mark from empire records playing a moody painter

next up on the list of stuff to do, electronic music. i think i need some tech-y supplies for this project = beaucoup d'argent = hey, not too big a problem, yo, 'cause i have a job! all of this cd-buying has spurred inspiration. air is a very fine group. i truly appreciate their creativity. makes me want to bust out the casio. yes, well, we'll see how goes this pursuit. and now, it's time to sleep. early. wow, very early, like old people early. after a hard day at competitive scrabble and 4 pm dinner at luby's, i'm beat

finding out he wears tortoiseshell specs and not black is like watching a star extensively and one day seeing it's really a planet

2002-11-28T00:42:00.000-06:00

you had this coming

aye me. what a day, it just kept going and going. movie extravaganza part two consisted of "labyrinth", "13 conversations about one thing", and the smaller half of "doctor strangelove". i'm so mad about not watching that in its entirety. ah well, next time 'round. but before that it was meeting april at target which somehow took an hour and fifteen minutes. i could just strangle people sometimes. she has such a voracious appetite these days that bueno was mandatory. do you ever feel that if you don't get somewhere fast enough, it might just disappear? well murdith's house was placed on my endangered species list. we finally arrived. to party cookies and mixed nuts. how frightfully appropriate. the time remaining was spent indirectly analyzing the very flicks we were watching. and of course with reuben (rueben? ruben? roo-been?), who is too fracking funny for words

next up, well where else? the thrift store, the one that smelled of dead people. or at least their clothes. which is like the same thing. the singing santa was too much. had to get out of there real fast. to april's house where we ate once again, meredith the turkey and i the dressing. two forks, one plate! then, hmm, ah yes, the restaurant. so te kei's doesn't specialize in veggie cuisine, it was cool anyway. projectile peas. v. nice and v. mod. i dig the facilities, a lot. your own private wash basin station! come on, now that's classy. so many generally misunderstood jokes, you'll want to puke. but the cloth covered underside of the tables? message board! i think i suriously have not laughed harder. and well hey, i managed to sum up the entire day in neat little packets. *tsch tsch*, enjoy

le soleil est pres de moi
ah, almost. the end of the eve, the froth of the cappuccino. the bookstore! my last stop and my favourite, for i was alone and it was cold and late. the unexpected presence of a most awe-inducing person. swear on all things kayla finds sacred, 'twas an accident. his car was? not there! and well i so did not see that coming. so my intentions were completely harmless, considering i had none. quickly began the routine mind puzzle. a piece here, one there, everywhere it seems. the other night when i was visiting the ole store, the theme from peanuts played overhead. another something to add to the "hey! that's a sign" stack. so begins the clockwork tonight, my plotting. and just shut up about the stalking, i don't hold the universe on puppet strings. things happen and all i do is sit back and watch and decide when to participate. thus tonight was a free-for-all. he was sitting in such close proximity to me, thought i might... might something radical, like shake myself into oblivion, or implode, or simply swoon. i was noisy with the cd plastic on purpose, and kept my eyes low. seem to invert around him. and yet, i became some kind of uh, extremist, like bungee jumping in my head. thought to myself, "it sounds absolutely crazy and i'll no doubt be harassed for this one. but i'd marry him, if the notion came up. i would. no one else. so what does that say?" the thought of the night, my big friendship plan: since he obviously walked, i wanted to find him at just the right minute. ask if he wanted a ride. it's cold out, surely you do. and my car would be warm and inviting and not at all threatening. the spiral sounds of air. strike up a conversation. play it cool. and then be blatant. you should be friends with me, you really should. you seem like such an adhesive person. and then laugh. 'cause it's funny. and that's all

the thing is, i was so close, i would have without hesitation. but i didn't see him. and me actually doing something is a big deal. so you see, i meant it and mean it still. and if i don't somehow pull this off by the end of the school year, i'll live forever in regret. college without ever having said anything. no worse a fate than that

and now, well i'm so very tired i can hardly see correctly. happy early tofurkey day! six to one, keep on truckin

2002-11-20T21:19:00.000-06:00

Funny is the operative word. So know that I know that, dangit

tell me it's not hilarious and dude man, the gauntlets are off. i so seriously want these. for exmass, get me these! groovin right along

where else can a kayla learn to shoot a genuine red ryder duel-action carbine bb gun, sip apple cider served generously by a down's kid, toss pickled herring to the wind, and javelin in the free air of tahlequah? no where! a great time was had thoroughly by all. the details, ah the details. i chose to spare you of those, unless further inquiry is inacted. but trust, there was so much fun had by the mere and the kay. another trip is in order

post-its are the devil's playthings. and if loving that is wrong, i don't want to be right. how about just starting a business? think i will. and if "the boy in the drawer" isn't the dang funniest book ever written, well you know what's goin down. today was just as any other, a blast and a half. we're off, however, because i think i'm going to knock out that whole business about no sleep

oh, but yes, before i leave, the meteor shower! did you see it? was fantastic! i awoke naturally at 4:30 am and woke up teresa. we went outside into the freezing but crystal night air. perfect, with exception of the almost-full moon and bright park lights, which somehow did not prevent from vision all the shooting stars. in about thirty minutes i saw maybe forty or so? howzat! and they were so pretty. all were headed north-east. then i saw a freak streak (haha) that went the opposite direction. really wackadoo. then, oh the best, or at least according to elizabeth, was at five am i went back inside. i took a shower, got dressed, and went back to bed. when 6:45 rolled around my mum went berserk. i threw back the covers and exclaimed, "i'm ready to go!". she called me a nutcase and padded back into das Wohnzimmer. i just sat there and laughed. when a person can laugh when no one else is around, you know it's funny-real.

ah well, now we're surious. time for bed. good nite my adoring fans, air kisses abound

2002-11-12T00:08:00.000-06:00

i insist on residing above the earth, let it alone. it's funny that my mom mentioned on sunday, the day of my senior pictures, how "down to earth" i am. how true, and yet, how untrue. i mean, we've been livin' on fantasy island lately. and i have a feeling that no one can absolutely appreciate that. my heart just might burst, any second. whats-is, from american beauty? about letting go and likening emotion to water, balloons and exploding hearts? yeah, that's how i feel. but in a terribly fine way

i now have a crush on old contact papers. they're so rad! i didn't even know this stuff existed, and mrs wissen's been hiding it! today she was messing around with it, making something very useless and nice. and the trend caught fast. by the end of the week i'll have all of my possessions covered in the nonsensical patterns and made-up words. heaven, or close

and i would relate the events of this past weekend, it's just so much. don't fret, you'll hear about it, it was lovely. but at the moment, kayla's not rightly capable of giving a tale adequate attention. distractions! i would, however, like to thank ashely carver for a renewed faith in lovage. jiminycricket, i had forgotton how great it is. and it's dern funny that on windows player, under artist, it says "nathaniel merriweather" rather than lovage. i would call it my theme music, but you would invariably get the wrong idear

i would also like to thank the alison for translating addresses. i know no one believes me when i say i am so sincere. but trust. no weird will spring from the turnstile events of days past. no more anonymous things, the object is not to puzzle but to intrigue. not to capture but to captivate. and if the worst should manifest, what's missing! no-thing, i say again. the planet still turns on its axis and gravity will hold us back until we're dead. but lucas speaks it best: i don't regret the things i've done but those i did not do. so this is the part where i exclaim carpe diem! and go make real what is thus far imaginary

ah! 'tis late again, i should just quit sleeping all together. since i'm so proficient at missing it anyway. let's see, perhaps six and a half hours? blast! well i'm off. good early morn

2002-11-08T00:05:00.000-06:00

miss meredith and myself were on the loose tonight. floating world gallery is now officially the coolest place to visit. m.a. doran has a way of showing off good stuff and not letting you get too attached. no use in trying to traverse the red sea again. but it has to be said, there is an incredible sculpture of welded iron there that casts a shadow in the shape of a chair! and all the viewer sees initially is a mass of iron. it's the angle of the light against a white wall. only about the coolest thing i've ever seen. here's to part-time free drinks and funny flaky pasteries that are easily stolen out of spite. i dig their catering. and the sequined penguin in the courtyard. do you reckon i could make off with that one?

in other even more exciting, sky pie worthy news, we've half-discovered the secret lair of a certain volvo driver. don't everyone go freakin out on me now, i'm no stalker. as always, this was another fateful accident. the stars seem to have me on a most desirable collision course. oh happiness. some things make themselves known whilst others hide out coyly in the corner of one's vision. 'tis not, however, the chase that so captivates me more than the object of my fanciful affection. at least that, you have to give credit to someone who is well aware of the situations that surround them. still, it seems as though imagination has taken off with a blindfolded me in hand. citing mrs fisher, be still my beating heart! what funny twists of kismet that should be so kind as to land poetically in our laps

i'm dying for school. a haven. i really don't want to leave it, i don't. all else sounds great but this, these times, these days and hours. i'll even miss the people i don't like. the teachers and hallways. i want everyone's telephone numbers and such, everyone! i don't wanna go. but since graduation is the undeniable result of four years of study-like-mad, i have to get over it. and yo, there's left in the year about six months or so. time enough to make my tracks!

here we go, about six hours to sleep, wonderful. i need to cut this biz out. oh and yeah, the tee shirts and bow ties were smasheriffic. i'm a superstar on mah own microscopic scale. way to make a production: make clothes! the kids love it, and now everyone wants to join the Mat Movers Club. haha, they've got another thing coming. well g'night, or g'mornin

2002-11-05T23:37:00.000-06:00

oh-em-gee! i'm running about, washing clothes like a maniac. tomorrow is going to be rockin like no-thing else. elizabeth and i made tee shirts tonight! it loved to be said, we're so the coolest people at school; in style, attitude, avery-thing! this weekend, too, is what i'm looking forward to. serenade night, liason[!], saturday, saturdaynight dinner, oh so much. and it's only tuesday. i'm having the time of mah life for no apparent reason. don't you wanna wear a white bow tie to school? thought so. nice night

2002-11-01T23:52:00.000-06:00

the big one-eight! hurray hurrah. i would make a horribly long story about halloween but you can read all at jamie-o's weblog. rather, i would like to publish this before the clock strikes twelve midnight. today, however, earns enough credit to be told in long hand... later. a pep assembly-boring, cold-fun, and endless laughter about dumb things. a good time was had by all. i was sung to, that Never happens! it was so foreign and welcome. i had a relaxing afternoon topped off with sitting on the floor of the field house, laughing maniacally at the way a school treats homecoming. don't worry, no one was hurt.

i'm leaving, because the clock is racing, and i'm tired. good night

2002-10-30T18:36:00.000-06:00

hello my name is eighteen years of age and i will be dropping by in a few days. can i use your phone? thanks. and oh yeah, this is for you.

the sun has been m.i.a for such a long time, feels like years. i know that there are a great many people who really dig the grey and cold and clouds and rain. hey, moi aussi. but this too shall pass. and good riddance, because i'm ready to see the bright again. the sun and blue were showing a bit this morning but soon disappeared back into the sky jungle. i have fallen so dearly for so many different things, the long for sunny sky being the greatest. well, almost

i was flipping through a bargain book i picked up a while back about endangered and extinct animals. the style of photography, i assume, is the real reason behind the book. but she seems to cherish the creatures so, frozen in death and time, and thus allows to seep through the disappointment in the loss of life. a lot of birds. i think my favourite is the thylacine, an apparent hybrid of wolf and tiger, and a carnivorous marsupial. european settlers to tasmania killed it of for fear of losing their sheep to it. but there have been numerous unconfirmed sightings. that is what always gets me. like ufos and bigfoot, only on a smaller scale. the saddest element in the book, or the one with the most compelling photograph, is the gorilla. a picture of hands so frighteningly human-like

in academic news, well there is no real news, just the same story made-over. once again turned in a decent project for art. i now hold an agile command of colour and ebony pencil. it's so rewarding to have silent stares and truthful smiles. no one is lying when they say what they say however they say it. sociology: and now i think mistah robinson realizes i'm not in that class to waste time, although i was sewing my shirt up this morning during lecture. but i pay dear attention. i take diligent notes. i participate when i don't feel so overwhelmed by timidity. and all of this shows eventually. we're addressing the controversial issues, the most gringe-inducing being incest. this scares the frack out of most of the people in that room, at least they would indicate so by their shuddering. i suppose because it relates to all humans without exception. we talk about the reasons for knowing it's wrong and the way social norms dictate our behaviours. very thought provoking stuff. i so love this class. i hope that the threat of it being a semester course is a myth. my brain is but a sponge and the diving pool school.

i have a secret. i hate that because like the james, i cannot keep a secret, especially when it revolves around only me. i also take into account that it means so much more to yours truly than anyone else. but you will see it later or sooner. for now? keep your shirt on, it isn't a big production at all. in fact, it is nothing.

in the category of beautiful songs, sleater-kinney's "quarter to three" is the pinnacle. i listen to it over and over and over and again over for good measure. i suggest you listen also. there is such a mysterious loveliness i find. perchance the acordion? perchance indeed. go go now, nothing left here. my fingers are trying to sabotage this chronicle. stupid buggers! always have a bone to pick with their master. so that is all for now. maybe tonight? maybe in another week? it's hard for me to guess when and where and why people read this.

2002-10-25T17:52:00.000-05:00

two in one, can you believe it? just clicky click and look about five frames down on the photo side, click! dig superior

2002-10-25T17:43:00.000-05:00

eyes down over there. what up? if only i could read thoughts.

i nearly crashed today, as a pedestrienne that is... in the hallway. i tell ya, kids need brake lights and turn signals. and a really loud horn, but only for me. something else. notice how they always play a brief vietnam montage in flicks that span about thirty years? "imagine" plays in the background, or that other war song, you know, "stop children what's that sound..."

methinks i need corrective eye apparatus. what fun! getting to choose the way one improves what their parents unknowingly did not bestow upon them. flippin' through the genetics catalog. my sweater smells very nice right now. how did that happen?

hello ween! how are you? oh fine. ready for some fun? you know it! time to play dress up and get candy, dude, the good kind. you game? kayla's game. you game over there? excellent!

we're off to the store of books until the fateful night of bewitching should happen upon us. do you reckon i could get one more paragraph in here? would that kill you?

guess not

2002-10-23T23:46:00.000-05:00

?!

it was neil young. damnit i was close

what is obsession? it has a negative connotation, doesn't it? well yes, but what of infatuation? what is a clean and subtle way to describe something of that nature? do you notice that i only used question marks to end my sentences? kind of like judge parker, eh? enough of this wouldn't you say?

better asked, what is it to want only to talk to someone? i can predict the reactions i would hypothetically receive. you're standing in front of my locker. you know clockwork orange. you're looking more in the direction i want you to. now get in the passenger side. okay, a little bit of kidnapping too. no, that isn't what i want. the enjoyment of being held captive would be mutual, haha. no no, of course not, simply the most benevolent intentions. now, i say, about time for another invasion of the musical sort. quality blank tapes are frackin expensive these days, but i find my way. i wonder if my selections are satisfactory to him. what if they completely suck? what if my "intuition" is way off. oh, and i could be wrong about being so dense a while back, possessing no acumen. jumped to conclusions. but these things worry me. i want for the best, always. the worst absolute worst is not that bad at all. the item is ill-received, left behind, mistaken, broken. oh well i say. i spent two dollars and a few hours, and i doubt that any of these incidents actually happened. if so, i will replenish the supply and send my aspirations across the ocean of parking lot once more. message in a bottle. for the most part, i attribute this paranoia to: overactive imagination! gets me every time

2002-10-22T22:30:00.000-05:00

now i am kickin' myself in the pants. when the white stripes played in oklahoma city last septembre (for around ten buckaroos, mind you), why didn't i go? because i held so dearly to the belief that they would always be my secret. i understand why kids become frustrated at the sudden popularity of a band that they dug way before. it's not that they're afraid they are going to be seen as, um, newbies. i don't know what it is. it's selfish but it's pure. i liked it when no one knew what i was talking about. so i played it and they liked it and i was glad. good music is good for the people. but when it becomes another mtv scene, there's something uncomfortably familiar. their allure and curiosity is tarnished by the red carpet life and all that surrounds it. ah well, it's nobody's fault but nobody. if anything, i can see mah favourite band more often, even if it's only on teevee. so, saturday night live is the closest i've been to a live show. but wasn't it just great! just great.

otherwise: today's evening sky was crazy. the horizon seemed to swallow up the greyblue clouds and remaining sky. this vacuum earth, haha. news: the b52s go great with driving in the dark. the moon goes with the song "i got you" by stone temple pilots. "creep" is best played when you are driving a rusty volvo and the leaves swirl behind your car, in a beautifully depressing, departing way.

oh yeah, and crowd surfing. my sport of choice. very popular with the kiddies at the stp concert on sunday, what a time. there was something dreamy in their faces when they were floating above the masses, like waves. it was some played-out scene from a movie. seeing it made it surreal. and the poetic movement of a sea of people, headbanging in synchronization. the show was romantique, in a way that i could only convey through an in-depth conversation. oh and let's not foget the pot and cigarettes and beer which left me in a daze. i checked my eyes for unnatural dilation, evidence of a secondhand high, if you will. methinks we're fine. but beside the point. the average age, there was no average age. i'm talking fifteen to fifty, maybe older, and younger. my mom and i had a blast.

ah yes, the saga of kansas. perhaps finally i will do the roadtrip justice in retelling all its adventures. can't even remember when, but meredith and her aunt roxie and myself took off in the silver echo on a saturday afternoon, well, prenoon. i don't recall the author but there were some wackadoo children books hiding in the backseat. oh my, some really great books, even more appreciated in hindsight. we listened to, was it neil simon? a bit of the woods tea company and two sean lennon songs. i believe i slept, how exciting. applesauce through straws, you know it! i ate only peanuts in a jar of mixed nuts. m liked cashews. brazil nuts, however, were discriminated against by all. somewhere along the way, there were swarms of birds? insects? butterflies, we guessed. fascinating in any case, the way they stick together. downtown wichita, as you may have heard, it's covered with statues of all sorts, and not necessarily really great ones. like wood carvings of gardeners in the middle of a suburban street. but they have some wacky buildings, with multi-coloured roofs and funny shaped complexes. the hyatt hotel sits almost dangerously close to the arkansas river. we walked down there in the early evening and contemplated the possibility of alligators finding their way in. the luxurious sidewalk so suddenly turns into the wrong side of the tracks, it's amusing. people without modern houses no doubt reside under the bridges that creak with traffic. the scenery was quite... quite nice.

we walked into the hotel, a very nice hotel. and we know this because? ha! you will find out when i resume this tale tomorrow, fore i am tired. golly gee was this a long entry or what?

2002-10-19T00:17:00.000-05:00

well you can wish in one hand and crap in the other, and see which fills up faster. only so much will ever be done to keep her all right. i can only call-back and talk-back and write-back. in the mean time, i have amused myself once again through the magic of a connection the internet. techno-me, deal with my small electronic accomplishments like a champ:

i didn't say a word, just see and hear for yourself. laughing allowed. maybe i'm being mean or maybe i'm being logical. anyway, i say again how wonderful the starlight mints are. heal your ears. if you if dig the b52s, dude man, "sugar blaster" is the best. i quiver with excitement at the very sound of this band. i've busted out the big blanket finally, though i needed it more last night than to-night. ah, autumnal slumber. cat on bed, open window, flannel pajamas, and four blankets. that's where i'll be for the next four months

2002-10-18T16:18:00.000-05:00

i think i hate her because she is going mad. when you don't understand something you become frustrated. a telephone call. what are you doing? getting ready for work. okay, bye. click. i hate this, i Hate this. what do you want me to do? just say. she won't say. i can't read thoughts, i can't even read between the lines. simplicity is so complicated. if you want this, say it. if you need this, say it. but she won't say. cryptic messages, am i expected to decode? i care just enough to stop her from leaving her house. but i don't care enough to do anything real. priorities, agenda, work, play, school, read, think, sleep, eat. no room for salvaging friendship, sorry. my mother thinks that being there is enough. i can drive her around town, i can have dinner at her house. i can make a zillion mix tapes and listen to stereo in her room. is that it? seems too easy. what about laureate? would that help, i can do that? how, how infinitely impossible and irritating. i'll turn myself in before i figure out how to save another

2002-10-16T23:21:00.000-05:00

p.s.
tomorrow is Movie Extravaganza a la maison de meredith. what excitement awaits? only one pm will tell. but how many times can one see robinhood men in tights; father of the bride part zwei; and mystery science theatre 3000, the movie; i say and never grow tired? an infintite number i counter! thus the fun commences

2002-10-16T23:13:00.000-05:00

two pretzels were walking down the street.
one was a salted.
i kill me best. groovin' right along:

I taste like Menthol.

I am refreshingly different; some people don't appreciate that. My sharp honesty gets up some people's noses, while others really enjoy it. I am something of an acquired taste. What Flavour Are You?

who knew? reminds me of art class. frack! always looking at me funny and wondering why i opened my mouth. but someone had better stop posting these Ridiculous things! i spend the better half of any amount of time discovering myself through the magic of online quizzes. unrelated but important still, how many times can they remake that "everybody hurts" song for commercials? only eleventy billion times plus three, that's how many. oh news, but quickly. i purchased a starlight mints album tonight. fan-bloody-tastic[!] as she so poignantly said. this band is so... bah, need thesaurus. anyway well, if personalities were set to music, this disque would be my soundtrack. there is all you need. now go buy. the cure is on a rerun of saturday night live and i am flooded with vague memories. if only i were a boy and then i'd wear makeup

2002-10-15T23:13:00.000-05:00

ah, the entry of questions. welcome to kaylaiocentic universe

the youngers were taking psat, asvab and the likes thereof today. seniors were held captive a la bibliotheque. hey, i learned that if college should fail me, i can always go to vatterott and learn the trade of welding. i mean no harm in this statement. nothing sits below meh. i also learned indirectly that if i want a true career, i must leave this town. 'spose if i had a guestbook, it would now be filled with comments countering this assertion. just shut it, i know what i want. and it cannot be harvested in tulsa, as lovely and culturally diverse as it is. all right all right, i am blatantly lying. frack! all right, i'll stick around and see what becomes. but the world beckons and my options have slammed open. can something slam open? of course! anyway, wissen handed me a list of art schools categorized by central focus. dude man, i could design furniture. i could make jewelry. i could make cartoons! cool-io and a half. i know i knew this, but seeing it made it real. art therapy! yet there lies below the layer of confusion.

i tried to read a mag tonight at the bookstrore and it was speaking a different language. i'm trying to read these kids' expressions, their actions, their interactions, at school. another language still. i open my mouth and hollow shapes fall out. i keep moving my lettres around on the page, temporary dyslexia. confusion superior. then odd happenings. elizabeth e. and myself counted the number of words our photo teacher misspells: five thus far. at first we laughed. then we felt the pangs of remorse. i'm glad i felt sorry for what i had done, least there's something intact. unlike other matters that remain to be solved.

i was born without something that is supposed to be innate. intuition. least i believe this to be true. i suck at perception. what sort of art can i make with that? why does wissen see something i don't? how? how can this be true? always thought i would die young or live forever. always extreme, never predictable. all because i am too dense to envision a future for mahself. a simple mind, a peaceable and moderately happy me doing something? kaylas don't design buildings or write books, do they? they get distracted by the passing traffic of people in the process of finding their lives. they get terminally-forgettable jobs and float through a scripted existence. what depression!

re-reading this, i am sure to send the wrong message. no doubt. in reality, i feel fine, tired. but that is to be understood. why such drama, kayla? why must you be so down on yourself? i'm not, dangnabbit! the poetry is seething again, see. every now and again, i feel blissfully melancholic. i know not how to gauge good writings, so i pretend. the results of this study include pseudo-poems and the mild satisfaction of saying the same thing in a new way. minty fresh and at your doorstep. i should start a record company

2002-10-14T22:04:00.000-05:00

one last! the picture of jamie-o is so great. you know this. but now you know i know too. that makes all the difference

2002-10-14T22:01:00.000-05:00

i want i want i want. i want the immaculate white volvo that sits idly at 51st street and Hahvahd. i Want! i cannot have. i will skulk about. i will brood. i will... finally get what i want when i finally grow up. these things take time

2002-10-14T20:58:00.000-05:00

just cannot help mahself

What obscure band are you?

and this, heh heh. it could be true. nah, it's true, just set me loose in the right environment

Who are you?

aren't these so charming? how does one find such amusing and useful things? daily affirmation through online quizes, not flaky at all! i dig the band thing, though. what's so obscure about die WeiBstreifen, i ask? maybe everything maybe nothin'.

i want to see that flick white oleander. maybe the first time i've actually read a book then predicted this sort of outcome. now i must see it to compare it to my visualizations. i have a feeling that choosing a well-known star to play a key role will ruin the effect. i hate moviestars. ironically, they make everything so unbelievable. i cede one: that kid that plays bubbleboy. ah, maybe it's just the physical aspect. maybe i only make exceptions for what i feel like. ah, what cares! i have "island in the sun" floating around in my head. don't you like that song? i like that song

2002-10-11T17:38:00.000-05:00

"real girls have curves". what! so now i am fake, i suppose, and there are a lot of other frauds runnin' around out there too. these teen magazines are trying to compensate for their own lack of acceptance, man, not anyone else's. models are fake, and now so are girls without "curves". praise you glorious fat, the one true entity. as for the rest... you're just too difficult to accept. you cannot be skinny, because that's not real. and you cannot be in between because they haven't written an article celebrating it yet! in case it is not glaringly obvious, i'm being facetious. but i mean it too. no wonder these adolescent girls are so confused. maybe i'll take that back. no one should be dependent upon a mag for their identity. then again, it's fairly realistic.

i can understand how the media screws up kids. there needs to be an appropriate level of censorship by parents. but this society is highly irresponsible on its own. parents can only do so much. if they take their kids out of the line of fire, they'll be underexposed and therefore ruined socially. if they allow them to run rampant, well, you know. from the looks of the way things are headed, i'm never having children. it would be doing the potential humans a severe disservice to raise them in such a world. that sentence right there says all anyone would ever need to hear to be convinced that there is something wrong with our culture. first amendment rights have been tastelessly abused and maybe someone will one day realize it.

in the time of the mean, however, we must only do what we've done so dexterously before: adapt. that's where music and alternative forms of art come in to play. ah, back to square one, back to my room, back inside my head, back to memories of the womb. according to sophie's world, the common people, the moreorless ignorant, prefer the warm darkness of the rabbit's fur (the rabbit representing the universe in all its glory and terror); whilst the thinkers and philosopers take their chances on the turbulent ends of the fur, where it's cold and bright. i'd love to fancy myself a thinker, but i'm not so sure. after all, i'm pretty attached to things like "jackass" and my shoes. granted, that doesn't necessarily mean i'm a complete idiot, it just makes it more difficult to be taken seriously. bah! too many paths. i would take the one less traveled but they are all so tempting

2002-10-10T23:22:00.000-05:00

oh infinite sadness. my big little dark red automobile is no longer that. i broke it big time, crashing into some crusty old guy's lexus. at least i chose a good car to hit. the guy got out, walked over, and said, "do you have a cell phone?". uh, no but i do have a severe wound to the head you big idiot. don't be alarmed though, because i have a phone! akay, that is a lie, but it could have been true, he didn't even ask if the four people including myself were all right. in reality, we only have identical seatbelt bruises. but jeez, the mindset of people today... i don't want to depart on that train. however, it's funny because my incident mirrors that of alison, with the exception that mine took place during the day. the factors: rain, slow speed, minor distractions, i suppose. this guy just stopped, bam! what is one to do but react with the tensing up and slamming of brake pedals? the worst, the part i rehash over and over in my head, is the fact that i saw it was inevitable. i could have stopped all right if it hadn't been raining. but alas, it was like falling off a cliff, possessing the dreadful ability to see what is to come. so we slid, and watched it happen, and thought, "oh god". then the realization that we weren't dead. i know this sounds ridiculous. the reader thinks, "how pathetic, this sort of wreck happens all the time, all over town, every time it rains. all you did was bust up the front end of your car you big sissy." yeah, but when the rear of the car in front is fast approaching, what goes through a mind? i don't even remember. besides, yo, i got a new car already.

this present vehicle is newer than the beloved nissan, but somehow seems not so luxurious. i looked at the two side by side and realized just how freakin roomy the maxima was. dang it, and i thought i had a compact car before. this toyota somethingorother, it's pretty small but pretty snazzified. and check it! a cd player. the nice kind that has a removable face plate and very nice sound. so that old paranoia with the idear that someone was sometime or another going to figure out how to get my cherished little aiwa player and all the goodies is...vanish-ed. excitement superiour, i feel techno. techno-geek, that is. there could not be a nerdier car, two doors, i crack up every time i walk outside. i suppose i'll get over myself. but i'm having so much fun. this reminds me of when i failed that stupid journalism course two semesters ago.

there was the initial shock and anger from the parents. then there was the eerie silence and retraction of mean things said. then there was the out-to-dinner, it will be better next year biz. am i being rewarded for failure? wackadoo! so now i destroy a car and get a new one. how odd. yet i do not feel the need to break anything else, that's good. i miss the old red mass that now sits sadly in the driveway, waiting for the herse. or not! we're looking into restoration perhaps for karol to drive when she is of age. i would be so happy if mah dear car went to someone i could trust, hopefully. anyway, enough of this tale, it feels as though i have related it so many times before in a mere two days. we'll see how this new blue coo' car thing goes. yes, i meant to rhyme, enjoy it. i cannot wait to cruise to school tomorrow, super-yes! go kayla, and go new car go. tomorrow, we'll resume the same-ole business, so stay tuned

2002-10-07T22:56:00.000-05:00

Disclaimer: The following contains the author's inability to stick to one subject. Bear with her, she's testing the waters, as they say. And she is quite the dreamer

knowing what i know would make you laugh in the corridor too. having a secret is having a new favourite toy. i point to what i want and scream, "mine!"

however, i cannot help but feel like a stalker. no i swear, there was no other way to exit the building today. i park where i have since last year. our lockers are on the same floor, same hallway, same twenty-foot vicinity. but i am not in control of these variables. a greater force, perhaps? HA! more like the overimaginative child that awakes in me. i'm probably giving myself up already, here's all the incriminating evidence you need, right here! but oh, i don't really care that much.

does my perpetual happiness upset you? i always wonder about that. i don't try to be merrymarysunshine, it only happens (recently, mind you. i am a rollercoaster). i wonder about things like that, though. if you've got greatness in you, would do us all a favour and keep it to yourself? gad, i hope not. when there are people dying of perfectly curable ailments, i'm smirking at a new sweater. uck, don't want to get into the impossible. it's no use, and they won't be getting any better with my stupid revelations. on to the better, and warmer. i'm sleepy, though, so i won't go on and on and on and...

there's an incubus song, "stellar", that really is so great. i'm listening music on the computer that i haven't checked out since, what? ninth grade. it's beautiful. and full of strange memories tinted in shades of summer, fall, and glorious winter, driving in the night snow. ah yes, that's what i was reaching for, the immaculate visions of times past. that's what finds its way into my head when i've thought it's all been forgotten. there is no earthly way to convey to you the way these songs impact my existence, none. like dreams, in so many colours, neither bright nor dark, but intangible all the same. oh if only you could see inside my head! i'd show you what a car heater and christmas and gloves and makeshift stereo feel like. what it's like to be high on night air and cocoa from the bookstore, quiet and soft. i watch autumn happen and winter stretch. i feel... that's all, i feel. that is enough

2002-10-05T15:12:00.000-05:00

oh excitement! liason knows the kayla

i am a mix taper!

How indie are you? test by ridethefader

You're really enthusiastic about the music that you like. You attempt to discover your new favourite
band every week. You continually try to get your friends into the music you like, which annoys the fuck
out of them, but you don't know it. At least you're not arrogant about it.

i love it[!] when something confirms what i always seem to know already. i want to tell about kansas but it would take so long. i will, later. however, i only must mention the fact that wichita is overcrowded with statues and has no veggie places to eat, only barbeque and some joint called spangles. i'm going to gilcrease with april now. later

2002-10-04T01:06:00.000-05:00

jeez if 'twas a snake, i would have one nasty bite upon the nose. is alison leaving later today? i think so. i just did not want to come off as forgetful and self-absorbed, even if that shoe fits like a glove. uh, wouldn't it be enough to say a shoe fits like a shoe? haha, adages are the tops. anyway, i wish her well, and all other travelers too. that includes me. i wish me well, and you and you, and you and you and you. so long, fare well, auf weidersehn, adieu... later

2002-10-04T00:56:00.000-05:00

i get all my philosophy from dr. seuss. i don't want to spend all this space telling about how one fish two fish red fish blue fish changed my life. maybe later. but tonight? today? yesterday? The Best!

i became the living example, sitting on a stool in front of my art class, showing all of 'em how it's done! in reality, all i did was the assignment. i followed directions and finished my self-portrait. but wissen loved it. go me. she said it was well-planned and well-executed. balance and beauty and expression. don't call it ego or pride. call it compensation, for my own ridiculous lack of confidence. i pulled the yellow acrylic diagonally down the board and drew the eye to all the right places and kept away from deadcentre, a rather appropriate name. i was a paradigm. it was great. however, i have the small thought that it is possible that i had become the object of aversion. the kid who sucks up, the teacher's pet. all in my head, i know. but a more practical assumption is the idear that they all sneered, "it isn't that good". because that is human nature. and i remember thinking many times the same thing regarding the person who was publically commended whilst the rest of us hung our heads in shame and anger. "it isn't that good."

'nough of this nonsense. tonight my mother, sister, and i ate at saint louis bread, veggie lentil ooh lala. we sat in the southeast corner, a window, tucked away a bit. read the paper and discussed school and such. by the way, dear readers, karol e is now amongst the ranks at tsas, congrats buddy-o. she digs it superiour. so happiness hath fallen favourably upon us all. to the mall parking lot, where it was decided that round pianos are a necessity in life. three people play at a time, a trio! on one instrument, how cool? i am good with my feet so maybe i will learn to play with my toes. we're making a new language too. you don't want to hear about that, do you? nah, maybe later.

today was terrifyingly terrific. i love these green shoes. it was all about stripes, fun. stripe shoes, shirt, and bag. corduroy is kind of stripe-y, eh? yeah, so stripe pants too. put that in you pipe and smoke it! any case, time to get on off to bed. but oh, there's more

i leave for kansas with meredith tomorrow! actually later today, but all the same, excitement! and if i mention her mum, i get an all-expenses paid deal, how bout that. mrs. meredith is the best language teacher ever. she comes highly recommended by the university school. and she's the one always buying kayla, kayla with a job and a car, fun stuff like frozen custard and sonic beverages. good deal. ah, time to slumber. i leave you with the thought that has been chasing me around all day.

my number one fantasy is the background of a particular white stripes song and me walking out to my car. i find something taped to my vehicle. i look up and see who did it. overwhelming elation rips through my heart and i just open the door. i drive off, knowing all along who and when and why. is that what the L-word is? have i lost my head? i can only hope so

2002-10-01T22:07:00.000-05:00

ninety-two point one effem says, "the new kiss fm plays all today's hits; no rap, no crap..." does it seem to anyone else that they are saying rap and crap are synonymous? someone's ace is gettin' kicked after school, man.

that reminds me of edison's beloved homecoming. the proposed slogan is "enslave the braves". whoa, someone stop these children! first point, and i could be mistaken, but isn't central high school predominantly populated by black kids? yeah, so the reference to slavery isn't going to fly too well with them. second point, tearing up tribes' living space and providing american indians with the undignified compensation of reserves didn't score many points for frontier people. the phrase "quit while you're ahead" comes to mind.

bad idear, but what can me do? the administrators will no doubt intervene anyway. movin' on: friday, i leave avec meredith to kansas, yahoo! i finally got it, it's the woods tea group, methinks, that we're seeing. keep forgetting. i look ever forward to it. this is the part when i make the iloveyou sign without the thumb, you know, and exclaim, "roadtrip!". eldorado rock city, man
in the mean time, i'm floating around in mah own whirled a l'ecole. lunch is twenty minutes long and commences at 10:40 a.m. what a joke! it is meredith who would rather it be called brunch, and dangit, she's right. i'm so hungry by three o'clock, it's ludicrous. oh news! the rockin green shoes i ordered came in today! and something else...

karol and i have received the "extreme pants" in the mail. they're hilarious, bright red and super wide. for halloween, i plan on being my own white stripe, how cool. that is my favourite holiday, by the way. not because i harbour some tinge of evil that is nursed by a pagan celebration as such, but just because it's so much fun. apples and leaves and... kayla's birthday! that's right, mes petit infants, novembre first, mark your calendars. and karol's is novembre eighth. so this time of year is quite frightfully fun and invig. enjoy

well now it's time for bed. tomorrow i attend the fair with mah friends, excitementville! even if the midway is a grab-bag of strange and unappetizing oddities. fun stuff. later

2002-10-01T00:29:00.000-05:00

nothing like first degree burns from boiling water, no way, nothing. cooking pasta has now made its way onto my list of things that are hazardous to kayla's wellbeing. my writing hand is a throbbing blister, hard to type. i rubberbanded an ice pack to it, makes it all heavy and cumbersome. these things happen... frequently. aside from that incident, today was grrr reat. a day that was beautiful in subtle ways. i turned in my project and received a rave review, from myself, but none the less. something didn't make me feel so inferior today. usually i can find a bazillion things wrong in my own works, but! not today today today. felt accomplished and when asked if i thought it to be finished, i seethed with undeniable assurance. i keep forgetting to start an argument with myself regarding several new and old philosophies i've taken on. i think, "this is not my personal political rant place, opinion city". then i think, "don't be stupid! that's the whole point in managing one of these things". i only don't want to bore the reader. actually i don't care. it's your own crazy fault if you ever decide to take me suriously.

even the people in cars cutting me off in traffic could not faze me. the day was a delight. and for no particular reason, though i suspect it's because i actually completed something to a very defined point... there's that word again: undeniable. cannot wait to present my project in class tomorrow.

i planned out an entire speech about my self-diagnosed synesthesia, methinks i spelled that correctly. i have a vague yet recent memory of seeing references to this "disorder", if you will, perhaps on someone else's weblog? probably. in any case, i figured out about two years or so ago that i AM a synesthesiac, er whatever. ask meredith, she knows exactly what i speaks about. suriously, i read an article in smithsonian and saw every facet of me reflected in what these people saw and heard and tasted. if by any chance the reader does not know what that is, elaboration will inevitably follow. i love talking about something i can honestly relate to, and not just something i know about. but tonight it is late and i look ever forward to school tomorrow. zags! that's the new exclamation, people. tell your friends. good night

2002-09-28T00:53:00.000-05:00

instead of saying "how do you like that?" i should have said put that in your pipe and smoke it. haha, that is great! that somehow reminds me of the wonder years. i think that if i ever get the nerve or the free time, i shall write on the bathroom wall, "kevin loves winnie". put that in your pipe and smoke it!

2002-09-28T00:35:00.000-05:00

one last note! we're reading madame bovary in english. today in astronomy i was informed that the title of the novel has been changed to ma damn ovary!. how do you like that?

2002-09-28T00:32:00.000-05:00

i couldn't stay away. tonight in the store there was a couple composed of two very pale older people buying equally pale groceries, wearing pale pastel-y clothes. i love them. they bought lettuce and bananas and other things of soft colour. when i arrived home and investigated the refrigerator for salad stuff, which sounded perfect tonight, there was... none! no freakin' lettuce in this houshold, nosiree, we don't have lettuce. vegetable soup was the next best thing. i lalalove veggie soup, especially the lettres. i spelled names and places and such and in general had a good time doing so. i like being a kid.

last night i attended the fair with my sister and we did not really have such a great time, at least not as much fun as had the soup and myself. the midway was crowded and dirty. as soon as we hit the asphault we could smell the cigarettes and grease and people who are severely hygienically challenged. i only wanted to leave as soon as i got there. the building, however, held my interest. one jennifer hoppa, who i wish i could say i knew better, had a photograph on display, perhaps more. a very lovely composition in black and white with a fat blue ribbon on it caught first my attention, then my surprise. i liked it very much. and in related news, one thomas bradley, who kayla knows ever so slightly from washington school (ninth grade english was the tops) had a painting on display. it had received a second place ribbon, though i thought it worthy of first. the thing i find strange is the fact that i was naturally drawn to these works previous to knowing their creators. how fitting, she thinks. it sparks a teenytiny bit of motivation in me. and a slightly uncomfortable amount of envy. i have idears but haven't always the means with which to manifest them. mediocrity sucks big time.

contradiction is my best friend these days. whatever i felt, or thought i felt earlier this evening, has dissipated significantly. tomorrow morning i am going to breakfast with me mum. i enjoy the thought of waking up early and staying up late (hmm, sounds familiar?) except no short skirt or long jacket, not for me. and hanging at the bookstore never sounded so appealing. i have a terrific new cd and cannot wait to just drive 'round town, listening. i think, i'm sure, it was jamie-o who said that listening to music in the car is the absolute best. you have the medium for sound, the excuse to cruise around performing unnecessary arrends, and it becomes a noticeable background setting, a teeny distraction. ah, it was something like that. more eloquently put and more convincing. but i so agreed with her. it is understood that Everyone feels the same about musique in the car. the car the car the car. for a brief period after getting my license, the novelty had worn well off and i hated driving up to git and go in order to get teresa something to drink, at eleven o'clock at night for cryin' out loud. but now, now when i am at the height of my immaturity, any excuse is a good one.

my well of coherent thought is beginning to dry up. oh don't worry, i never let it stop me before. but i'm sleepy, a bit. have to get up early, wahoo! i should like it very much if everyone would wish mah luck in respects to my art project. i know i've got it, just can't convey it. i am starting to get slightly worried, though. i Must create a decent portfolio. and i don't want things to be like last year, when i had the Ability to do something but not the Will to make it better. i feel like a slacker. and i'm not good enough to smoothtalk my way to the big top. stop slackin'! my interest right now resides in art restoration. have i mentioned that? it looks very difficult and very tedious. and the chemistry thing. i had a b in that class, and i don't reckon that that grade for a brain-numbing high school class will buy my ticket to college. auch jeez, where's my place? we'll do our soul-searching tomorrow, akay? that sounds all right. i was so very tired today, i must make up for it. in the next issue: kayla's thoughts on self-centered-ness, the endless and impossible search for the selfless route and why being selfish is inevitable. don't you love a good argument? me too

2002-09-27T16:47:00.000-05:00

how does one become so negligent? it must me mah dang nerves. i've felt ill since wednesday, a small recordable device being the instigator. i know there are those out there who know what i mean. i said it at least three times before, it must be said again: triumph! and yet, yet i feel very Very odd. surreal and dreamlike. when you can literally touch the very thing you want but decide not to. when you can make a big fuss out of what you know is wrong but just sit on the sidelines. when i can create in my head exactly what i want but not translate it to acrylic. Stuck. in every conceivable way.

right now, nothing can engage my attention. i know that when a person loses interest in the things they love, you're supposed to turn them in for psychiatric guidance. i am not depressed and i am not going to slice up my wrists. i just want to clear that up. so what am i? don't know. i do know, however, that i have to go to work. i would rather do anything than that right now.

i got an extension on my project that was due today. i hated, absolutely hated every object on my board. something's got to break, or i'll go mad. where's the inspiration! i lost it, over the summer, left it in the sun too long, left it in florida perhaps. auch, i hope the weekend brings something other than generic outings and late nights and the absence of productivity. oh, but that's impossible because the liason will be back! nearly slipped my mind. the weekend might not become the desperate want for monday that it usually is. isn't that amusing? i love mondays, i love school. i love my classes, how wonderful. have a pleasant restofevening

2002-09-23T17:29:00.000-05:00

i'm going celibate on television. it's ruining me. when i know theme music from bad sitcoms and the stupidest Ever game shows, it's time to quit. something is drawing from me like a well and it's draining my creativity. i have to make a self-portrait, Big self-portrait. not a drawing or painting but mixed media on cardstock. helpmehelpmehelpme, where am i going? what am i doing? how can i think! all this noise and public traffic and hallway traffic and brain traffic. i feel like i don't deserve the ap art class. actually, i do. there she goes again, no Self-Esteem! get it together, self. but today, i think i made some friends. doesn't that sound so pathetic? how old am i, shouldn't i have friends? well i do, but not at school. today in astronomy, the kids at my table and i had a blast. julie made a headdress out of the paper that we used to make "oblate spheroids". no joke, that's a real thing. that's what the earth is, it's wider horizontally than vertically. anyway, her headdress idear became my hardhat idear. we took the what was already made and pulled a strip of paper that bisected her head and thus looked like the interior of a hardhat. i thought it would generate a few laughs. i had a laughter seizure, when i cannot breathe and my face turns red and my eyes water. then elizabeth thought that was the tops and started laughing herself into a frenzy too. and by circumstance, the rest of the table followed suit. what times. art was fun by the coincidence that elizabeth is in there also. wahoo, i'm acting like a human! hurray, even if it's just acting.

i must go, the computer is in dire need by everyone in the family but myself. it is almost absolute that i will be back on this thing by tonight. so much more to say.

2002-09-22T01:27:00.000-05:00

the toolbar a the top of my server whatever-majig said "...attempting to retrieve tools from Yahoo!...". so did yahoo steal my tools?! give 'em back! but in other news: tonight i was dwi with excitement. there was a spell over this evening. everything happened perfectly and beautifully. work bites, but for the most part, i can handle it. noon to nine, what a pain. but as the clock striketh nine, the fun beganeth. nevermind the pseudo-shakespearean speech, get the point. after work, home, then a reunion with my dad, who i literally have not seen in a week. my parents are married, get it, so i Should be able to see him every day, right? nolp. his crazy shifts and whatnot and this new job inquiry bizness keep our family topsy-turvy. i looked alongside my mom into a relic of times past: rock collections. we used to collect rocks hardcore. i have a bag full of oddities such as petrified wood, quartz crystals, rose rocks, fossils of ancient plants, and chips of turquoise. it's wicked cool. we reminisced forever, eating up my legal free time like popcorn. then i talked to daddy-o about his job and my job and how school was. da de da de dah.

off to the bookstore, a cd being the exterior goal, while trying to catch the elusive liason and company perhaps. no luck. and they didn't have the built to spill disque that i wanted. BUT just as the soir was starting to rust, wahoo! out of the big blue sky falls jamie-o and friends. brickyard, eh? i called it the pile of bricks by mistake but that only became a charm to tote around. akay, sounds great! so karol and i go to borders to see if they carry the album i want. non, and why would they? so i purchased another record by the same band and as things would fall into place: dig it superior. i also bought a french soda for karol and perrier water for yours truly. i saw a kid in my art class there in the music and i wanted to say sumpthan but i never do. he's one of the all right ones. maybe. i like his style anyway. at the cafe register the guy mentioned how "keep it like a secret" so reminds him of the ataris, something like that. i nodded, all right bucko, what else ya got? i did not say this of course. then some way or another, the girl working there and the guy and karol and myself got into a discussion about handwriting. oh yeah, because i wrote a cheque. i said that i make my ones with flags and my sevens also have flags And horizontal slashes. math teachers like that. but it confuses a lot of people, thinking ones are sevens and such. i sat down, shaking from a combination of lack of food and the natural enthusiasm that comes neatly packaged inside a clean new compact disque. sipping bubbly water, finding beck on the cover of a gay magazine, watching people. only for a moment, maybe three minutes, enough.

uh oh, low on gasoline! we went to quik trip and on the way out, i found andy-boy. i don't even know him that well but for some reason, i feel all right about him. he's in my english class and was last year. he's a cool kid. glad i saw him. actually he saw me, which surprises me. "it's kayla!" i heard. what the... geez i've just been running into people nonstop. i told him where i was going and he said he had just come back from there. nifty. well hey i'll see you on monday. i feel as though i have broken the barriers, those placed in front of social activity. i'm still rather quiet and reserved. i value those qualities. but the time has come to stop being so purposeful with them. it seems like i spent a great deal of time practicing my own variation of stoicism. it's difficult and useless. what, was i preparing for the afterlife? no, just being a fool, trying to save the real me for my art and film and whatnot. what a waste! life it too brief to sit around waiting.

so did i "crawl out of my shell", my stupid pretentious shell? guess so. i complained that i shouldn't have to, i still agree with that. but it should be an option, not a lifestyle. so i will do what i like when i like if i like. but not always, get me. ah, that feels so much more comfortable. Being instead of Hanging Around. but i was telling you a tale, was i not? let's see, after bidding farewell to andy, we drove to kayla's "pile of bricks" and wandered on up to the stage. you would not believe the amount of odd looks i received. what is it, man, is it the sweater jacket, the prim and shiny converse sneakers?(it seems to be mandatory to only own shoes that are grungy and half-broken). but with small amounts of income, they're bound to be suitable for the masses in no time. i happen to dig my coverings, though, new and clean or not. auch, my train of thought has been derailed! we met the james and her comrades, who i know by mere faces alone. talkity-talk, a bit. oh the carter administration! how i have missed thee. i switch sides and sit in the tall chairs at the tall table. exchange of vital information. switch. sit, read, cryptoquote, make julia roberts a pirate, draw faces on brad pitt, david duch-somethingorother, make some other guy into hitler. fun times. dictionary readings, upps! time to leave, it seems the entire place hauls out at the same time. people leave, sarah carter and i have nice chatty about school and such. time for us to leave too. goodbye, goodnight, i'll call/email/write you. goodbye.

that whole paragraph was a wad of glaringly messed-up sentences and nonsensical anecdotes. i hope you can still retain the main idear. so after all of that ruckus, we drove peacefully home to the sounds of built to spill, taking alternative routes through downtown. we watched the buildings, these architectural wonders that breathe at night. too bad "moonshine" is already taken. because there are few ways to adequately describe the moon on the way back. between street lights and stop lights the blue and gray and lavender moonlight washed everything it reached. pure. it turned my skin whiteblue and made me feel small and dazzled by the workings of a world. sometimes the components of model happiness come together for brunch. they chat and sing and charm the pants off of any body that is willing to watch their strange rendezvous. i was there for brunch.

tired, talk later, time to slumber. perhaps i'll doze outside tonight. the air is crisp and clean and smooth and even

2002-09-18T23:01:00.000-05:00

from the moment i walked in the door, i knew i would post three times. threes are very powerful in my life. out of nowhere just now my mom said, "hmm, spider's makin' time". what? there is a spider on the ceiling and he certainly is making time. i've never seen such a small eight-legged creature run so fast, upsidedown no less. i won't ramble on, no need to say what has already been said. i was right, however, about not being mad tonight. i'm fine now. i'm rather dreamy, actually. living in a pretend land, pretending to be a pretend artist. my stupid sketches are jokes. i wish i had all those mean kids' talents, then i would leave them behind in my artistic dust. well, that is not entirely true. i don't give me enough credit. wissen likes me, anyway. tomorrow will be skirt day, i always get excited about that. and another anatomy test to ace the pants off. whatever is wrong now will be righted tomorrow. personal destiny, my friend, i Am commando

2002-09-18T18:17:00.000-05:00

it had to be done. monkey see monkey do monkey like

2002-09-18T16:44:00.000-05:00

i really do miss wissen. art today was moreorless crap. i am getting very irritated at the people surrounding me. whatever anyone said about "unity" and "bonds" between arty kids became a lie. no one seems to be serious. or they know how to please the teach and not really retain anything. i'm not saying i am any better, i know what people want and how to give them that without any real effort. but i've set aside any cheating tendencies. last year of high school, it is important. but these people, it's not just their ethics, it's their attitude. i feel as though i am at the height of my solitude. i felt more distant today than i have in a while, at least since tenth grade. the inside jokes and secret knowledge. their crass expressions and reactions to the eight words i say in any given day. the three or four times i've thrown in an opinion, i get... nothing. no response. hello! did i die? really, did i? years ago i thought that when things felt so desolate, i must be dead. i am stuck in limbo, hallucinating what seems to be real. i am invisible and walking around and through things, blissfully unaware.

sometimes, you know, it's not my fault. i don't know if anyone can grasp That Concept. i am clearly an introvert who has troubles dealing in social situations. I should NOT always have to be the one to strike up conversation. i am sick of "crawling out of my shell" just to share some common ground. it's goddamn time that someone else make an effort. sorry about that. i am also not very eloquent these days. what made me the most upset was the comment, "you don't have to sit here" after i made some misconstrued facial expression. thanks, thanks a lot, because for a second there i thougt i was welcome. thanks for clearing that up for me. perhaps this will all go away by tomorrow. wissen comes back and i could not be more glad to see her. i usually wait until the evening time to write in this thing. but i would be more calm then. and i think it's important to allow the way i feel to seep into my typing, inappropriate or not.

i have my eye on someone. it is obvious that he has no idear. that's what i get for being a stupid coward. but people who don't let themselves on get the benefit of holding secrets. i have my own secret knowledge, i don't need anyone to share it with. or maybe i do

2002-09-17T22:23:00.000-05:00

as soon as the temperature drops ten degrees everyone falls in love with the weather. i cannot blame them, being under the spell myself. every weblog i've looked at reveals another one possessed by the charm of fuzzy sweaters and jackets. i have quite a snazzy collection myself, gray being the colour of choice right now. today i picked up my sister, meredith, and austin from wilson and we had us some runnin' around! when i drive and there are people in the car and music and conversational laughter, it's the tops. we cruised around and checked out this crazy house off of fourth and harvard. i know you've seen it: blue and white, a mansion considering the area in which it resides. and gargoyles at the driveway. about the best thing since honey-roasted peanutbutter. i mean the place looks like a slice of cake. i would like to take it along in my lunch with yesterday's piece of skypie. well we lingered there for about forty-five looong seconds, in the middle of the street, taking it in (at least i was, i was behind the wheel, i get to play commando). next we got some some cash and some gasoline and drove by my school, because for some reason or another i really dig seeing it afterhours.

the creamery was next stop. in the parking lot was a lovely red volvo with a washington sticker and yearbook in the backseat. "and look, it's unlocked!". it must first be understood that i have been obsessed with old volvo cars since ye olde mittle schula. it's mere coincidence that only interesting people drive them. anywho, after the loud comment made by meredith we discovered that the driver and passenger were eating outside. and they heard. and they left. promptly. we ordered and ate and decided that it should be mandatory to always have a useless and quirky adage or phrase on hand. when teach asks you a question, no matter what, you reply with, "what's it to ya?" everytime. if one is consistent, the rewards will be great. so now "no use crying over spilt milk" and "if the shoe fits" belong everlastingly to meredith and kayla respectively. austin fancys a swell rendition of what that girl in blue crush says: "you know it". we're working with the karol. i've rarely or never had so much free(almost) entertainment on a weeknight. we listened to jethro tull and the strokes. then i dumped the motley crue at the agreed upon locale and headed a la maison. in the immortal words of... jeez everyone says that nowadays, good times.

this evening i went with me mum to our nearest thrift. it was a carpeted joint, i think that made it a little awkward, and a bit unclean. or more unclean than usual. the dang sweaters have been picked over! i found some that hypothetically look all right. but just not on me. a week or so ago i found two very nice thin sweaters at admiral. good enough for picture day, hurray. my only dilemma is deciding. ridiculous or not, pic day is important to me. i've loved it since elementary school. fri-a-day, woohoo. cannot wait.

side note: special ed is on crank yankers. he just said "i got mail" around thirty-five times, no exaggerating. i got mail yayyy! few things crack me up. akay that's a lie.

i might just go to buy a compact disque. hmm, jimmyeatworld has been sounding mighty fine lately. i think i've depleted the sleater-kinney resources. i have suriously been listening to them for about two weeks. and the same favourite-five songs. wonderful, but change is absolutely necessary in order to keep a steady love and tolerance for a band. the contradiction seems to me to be the white stripes. i could listen to the first record every day for the rest of my existence. but i will not, simply for variety. so new cd, all right! i leave you with a harvey danger favourite
call me freaky
call me childish
call me ishmael
just call me back, call me back
call me back and i'll follow you around

2002-09-16T23:36:00.000-05:00

this morning the sky looked like a gigantic slice of blue lemonade pie. the atmosphere was delicious. i wanted to cut a piece and put it in my lunchbox. does anyone else possess the acute ability to smell the seasons? i don't mean chimney smoke or rain. the Seasons. i can sense fall on the approach. the air and the angle of light. perfection. it is this time of year that makes me, reinvents me, if you will. my sweaters and long sleeves are falling into orbit with the raveling and unraveling of imaginary stretches of cotton. the constellations become clearer and bright. in some book or another, a character spoke of the way of the world. the sky, the deep blue of sky is only a curtain, soft velour, velveteen. small holes burn through the dome with white light, stars. when you die, the curtain slips away and you are surrounded by this immensely bright light. it doesn't hurt but passes through you, in your veins. i suppose this was the character's version of god. it's probably one of the most lovely things i've ever read. i want to recline in the grass and watch the stars shift gently from edge to edge. i'm sure everyone sees the stars move, but i like to pretend that perhaps it is only me making them rock slowly. the cosmos resides in my circulatory system, everpresent. i feel infinite.

in other news, i believe i have successfully searched out my collegiate destination. i know there is nothing incredibly original about going to a school that you live less than ten minutes from. but it's written all over me, slightly below the epidermis. i found great fields of des beaux artes, creative writing, and film studies. and what better to tie all of this together but: pho tog raphy. stretch it out and lay in it like a hammock. i could fall forever asleep in the luxurious world of creativity. maybe i could make some cash too. hey hey, priorities mes amis.

well well, i am drowsy now. i'll leave you with the suggestion of listening to the vaselines' "slushy".
long brown hair, eyes of green. prettiest girl i've ever seen. and you'll never miss what you've never had. i do i do, i really miss you. and if i'd only asked your name again. long brown hair, eyes of green. prettiest girl i've seen. but you'll never miss what you've never had. oh you'll never miss what you've never had

2002-09-14T02:04:00.000-05:00

i think we're better. i think i'm better. i think that some school days are the snazziest ever.

not today necessarily because i missed first hour due to an appointment. and i did not turn in the essay that was due, too. but it is all excused and reasonable. then it was supra-test time! and i busted some bum on those. basic parts of camera, sincho. anatomy, i believe i Did answer all quest-ee-onays correctly, wahoo. and then an essay in english about 1984. i thought the level of my enthusiam would diminish with the passing days and hours, but i still feel the high. and those classes i listed aren't chronological, as you would see if you referred to a few entries backaroo. wowee, i am just full of nonsensical thoughts and whatnot. it's rather fun. and damn the man, my sister rented crossroads, gag me with a forkknifeandspoon. but i enjoy watching it, for some reason or another. the same reason i still watch saved by the freakin bell every morning. that reminds me of this shirt i saw in my sister's catalog, something that looks nice in theory but as soon as it is bought, it looks like hell. but it said "i love zach morris". egads that cracks me up! and that brings on the next subject, favourite words. i love words, they're so wordy. oscillator, methinks, is a dandy word if i ever did hear one myself. let's see: meretricious, wanderlust(care of dear alison, who would rather this word be german so you could say it with a "v"), troubadour, catharsis, iris, extraordinaire, wake(as in the noun, like a funeral), galaxy, sedona, gee whiz i know it's a place, but is it not also a word? umm, the mind wanders. liason. yo check this! you can arrange the lettres in alison's name to make liason. dangerous, is it not? haha.

boom! new paragraph, for the safety of miss dean's eyeballs. i cannot think of many other words that deserve placement in my hall of fame. i know they're out there. but wow, i am dreadfully tired. i grow tires, by the way. so if you're ever in need, be sure to see me first! but what with all this sleepiness and tire-growing, i'm bound to hit a wall. when i am drowsy, my bed really is the most comfortable place in this filament. a filament, dear children, is the largest structure in the universe! i believe it to be an enclosure to superclusters which house clusters of galaxies which house galaxies which house famous solar system which houses earth which houses you and me! something along those lines, anyway. off to filament of a bed, slumber is divine and dreams are inevitable.

2002-09-12T00:31:00.000-05:00

hey don't you wanna
run and call her name
if i buy her candy
will she know who i am

she's famous
she's the best
cannot lay
my heart to rest
she is selfish
she is kind
no one can say
she is mine

like water like spring
fickle fancy fickle girl
rain down from the sky
when i need you the most

buy her candy - sleater-kinney

today was a strange one. and i don't think it was the "anniversary" business. i was fine until tonight. i don't really want to talk about it either, but i feel i have to at least address it. it involves the stability of my best friend that i don't believe anyone who i know knows. i'd rather like to keep it that way. there are just things going on that bother me. we went out tonight and i could tell something was so unfamiliar. there was an element of distance. and then i became upset. and i've never, never gotten to where i cry in front of anyone outside my immediate family. there was a noose being braided in my throat by sobs. i'm not about to just let someone fall off the edge, i simply can't find a viable way to care. i'm no saviour, but maybe i can be a ledge, something, anything. this emotional display caught me way off guard. i think i have items of importance sorted out enough to go about my business with an air of normalcy, but i needed to say something or i'll implode. i guess i always thought there would be inevitable compromise for my happiness. just as school and my life and my wardrobe align, this stupid curve out of nowhere knocks me in the back of the head.

won't be caught out like this. this is what is classified as "venting". so tomorrow will be good and pleasant like the others have been. won't let troubles get me down. by the way, on a slightly lighter note, i signed myself up for national art honour society. this doubles as a nice little something to put on the college transcript and something that i really want to do, even if no one ever knows about it. i have to buy a portfolio and some prismacolours. there is nothing i like more than spending "hard-earned" money on quality art stuff.

my face is a mess! i've never been so disheveled. and i'm not completely sure that i should have put forth this sort of information. but it can only serve to help resolve what's been undone. i feel infinitely better. thanks are in order for people who listen, er, read, and at least have some concept of what i feel.

2002-09-09T18:36:00.000-05:00

i just keep changing up my act right before showtime. know what, i don't really like extended metaphors, i'll dispense with that. what i mean is that i keep jumping and hopping my way around the moral map. auch! there goes another one! i simply cannot decide where i stand concerning such issues as global trade and government and politics in general. foremost, i despise all of that. but my getting to thinking has told me that i need to believe in something other than thriftstores and really grand music. i use those examples because they seem to be the only important things in my life anymore. and that's all right, but there needs to be something useful.
perhaps what sparked this revolution was the reading of the mojo article about the white stripes. i lalalove this band. and i know it would be all too easy to say that i knew about them before they became so dang popular and be mad about it, but's it's the truth, though i'm not mad at anyone. so this band, they've been with me for a while now, at least before white blood cells came out, and i've adored their records the whole time; especially the first record-self titled, you should give it a listen, it's marvelous. that's what made me even think about purchasing this literature.

i shelled out $8.25 for this mag! and it's only about 3.25 pounds in britain, what gives. i know i know, it's foreign, i get it. but that's not the point. because in all honesty, i regret nothing about the purchase. it's pretty decent. and the article was smashing. the writer let go of some of the frantic trivial questions that frequently plague the pink minds of teenyboppers suddenly into the the band. instead, it was a rather meaningful yet humorous article. the part that i dug the most was jack's living in another time. the days of corner drugstores and really excellent malts are gone. the natural roles for men and women are too. and he's not talking about mopping floors and business suits, but something a bit more subtle. being a gentleman or lady isn't rooted in sexism, like so many people believe today. it's just common decency, or was. everything today is freelove, no boundaries. and maybe that's where i got my brain back from, this article. i was living in this disrespectful little world, you know, the f--k everything! mentality. and a person grows tired of such a place. this is the cause for me not ever really loving bands like the sex pistols. too much disregard for people's hearts and emotions.

and it just happened today that before i bought this publication, my sociology teacher was speaking of the way england works fairly well. NO GUNS. even the coppers don't have guns. and their level of violent crime is low. sure they're taxed to death, but somethings's got to give. in any case, i utterly agreed with everything jack and meg white had to say about life and music. this shift in my thinking, i don't want to pin all responsibility on a magazine review, though it was spectacular, is making me feel so much better. plus, i think i've been headed in this direction for a while now. i've progressively started wearing cardigan sweaters and stopped cursing. not that these are signs of a white soul, just small adjustments that help create a better human being, human bean, haha.

now i guess the unconquered goal of finding political stance remains. i'll work on that. in the mean time, however, school has been terrific. my art class is so great. i understand why mrs wissen is kind of hard-nosed with her art one classes, because most of them only take it for the required credit. but in studio art, oh my, what a different setting. it's such fun in there, having rightbrains all bunched up together. we're making symbols for ourselves, based on our recently acquired new names. mine is kaleidoscope. the job was to find something that represents you that also begins with the first lettre of your name. has anyone ever looked at the Ks in the dictionary? not much there. and i could only find species of fruit and plant and tribes of people indigenous to africa. then came the words kaleidoscope and kiosk. now kiosk was my first choice because it is something that stands alone and quietly, kind of like yours truly. but i grow weary of playing off my perpetual solitude and lack of people skills. so rather i chose something that can be played with and twisted until something breaks. i am a kaleidoscope. have many facets and colours. have different personalities and highly varied emotions. so this word was clearly meant to describe me. i'm trying to draw something that represents this, having trouble. but i am getting somewhere. the other classes seem to be coming along nicely too. not much to say about those, i'm afraid. but it's understood that this school year will be fantastic. being a person unattached and without a friend at school has turned into something positive and malleable. i can work with this. so here goes the best shot. the only things now that stand in my path are the troubles of the world. i won't watch any television today, or internet(ironically!) or stupid tulsa radio, which severely sucks by the way. a person like jack white has the weight of the modern world on his shoulders. living in the past has a price i suppose. but we'll see what can become of it. i hope that anyone who reads this is having a luxurious day, by the way. i don't mean to sound so corny, all "have a happy day! and don't forget to smile!". nah, i won't put it that way. but do enjoy your time on this planet, the best can be made from nothing.

2002-09-04T22:44:00.000-05:00

what do you know! i can change the time, title, format, whatever i like with the simple clickyclick of a button. i really don't truly understand computers and all the wonder they have to offer, i don't know where to begin to learn. but technologically-impaired me can figure this out later. school days are full of excitement, more than i expected. art class gets better every minute, and considering i've been to that class twice, we're off to a fine start. our central goal is to individually create a concentration on one particular subject and build on that all yearlong. the only thing i can think of is a tree. i've had a tree complex for some time now, drawing trees all over the place. wissen had the same sort of deal with boxes. for years she would make and draw and paint boxes of all forms and sizes. and now the end of that era is coming. so maybe i'll lose the tree thing and explore kelp or birdbaths or cats that sleep all day. i feel i should mention that she was diagnosed with breast cancer during the summer. ->alison! so there's a shadow hanging over the class. she has to take leave every three weeks on thursday for chemotherapy, and her hair is really short, prepared for the onset of that loss. i feel so strange. if i didn't have such an adverse reation to human interaction, i'd hug her. instead i told her all about my summer and participating in the summer arts program at living arts. she was so happy about that. and she even has an old casa blanca editing gizmo. maybe we can mess around with video this year, wahoo! but aside from the initial reaction from the kids who didn't know, everything is smashing. i'm looking for a friend or two. i find it so difficult to perpetuate a conversation with someone who isn't outright stupid. i know that could easily be construed as shallow and pompous, but any person who does not think that would surely agree with me. and it so happens that my photography class is full of morons who have no respect for what they're about to get into. i don't want to talk about it, it only makes me angry. well well, i am sure that there is more to say that might concern anyone who reads this. i would ask for some sort of response, any response, but i think that entails putting my email address here. not sure how i feel about that, maybe later. and i do not understand any of that html bizness to set up a guestbook of sorts. is anyone out there! i demand and yet i provide no means for feedback. ah the charming quirks of a self-proclaimed walking contradiction. now that i have the time adjusted just so, you know what time i post. so you know it's a bit late for a schoolnight. this latenight/earlymorning business is catching up with me. all i wanted to do at lunch was sleep. must solve this dilemma. must go to bed. goodnight. ~kayla e.

2002-09-03T22:40:00.000-05:00

schedule: first hour-sociology, second hour-photography I, third hour-german I, fourth hour-english literature IVap, fifth hour-anatomy/physiology, sixth hour-astronomy, seventh hour-studio art ap. i was right about the surprise of a schedule, i'm so giddy about my new and improved senior year. i was supposed to be in three art classes and THAT was what i was so excited about. now, i only have one but the disappointment isn't there, i love my classes. my sociology teach is from south africa with a crazy australian/jamaican hybrid accent. he makes a point of putting a new vocabulary word on the greenboard every day. so maybe i'll one day wake up smart full of useful words. malcolm x had good ideas but he went about them the wrong way and wound up in jail. while in jail, he read webster's dictionary. he realized that he would have to be educated in order to effectively use his ideas. then the revolution began. looky here, i'm no history buff, like SOMEone, so let's pretend that i presented these thoughts accurately. you get the gist of it anyway. movin' on. i was in botany and got out and into this photo class, but i was in the counseling office for all of second hour so we'll see how that one goes. nevertheless, i'm ecstatic. german! i've taken french since sixth grade, here was my escape from the romance languages. i know how to count to ten and the alphabet, but can't spell anything. i'm a fast learner. my english class is just like i expected it to be. mrs. merrill is a pretty hip lady. this class is going to be a scenic walk in central park. i look forward to books like catch 22 and slaughterhouse five. she seems to have some hope planted in this hour. i won't let her down. fifth hour, anatomy slash physiology. groovy. i can't wait to learn all of these bodily systems and the latin names of bones and joints. next astronomy. woohoo! i've waited since eighth grade for this, ever since i wrote such a fantastic report on black holes. i had mrs. peters for geology last year, i'm so her pet. stars, i lalalove the cosmos. need a telescope, however. will find, must find. and last but most definitely not least, the famous art class i've been looking so forward to. paint paint, yahoo, oil on canvas and a nice fresh sketchy book directly from el bookstore. and while i was there i picked up a lovely book on extinct and endangered animals, i really like it. but this class, i so love art and now i can go somewhere with it. wissen wants serious students who Must make a portfolio by the end of the year just to pass. this comes as a shock to me. i want to create a portfolio so bad. and i had an underlying fear that i would just slack my way into oblivion. now i simply must, or i will fail. spectacular! so my future lays paved before me. and i know all about how the best laid plans of mice and men... let's put that notion aside for a while. can't wait! this year looks so promising. though i have no one to sit with at lunch, i still really like it. i am the epitomized loner. is this a problem? maybe. in any case, i'm not soliciting sympathy here. just making observations of my life. i'm all right. we're all all right. wow, i am tired. to bed, or i'll never make it through tomorrow awake. ~kayla e.

2002-09-02T22:06:00.000-05:00

school...tomorrow...so...excited, cited cited cited. it's 9:40pm, right now, thought you should know. i'm washing my jeans, i'm makin' a lunch, and i have NO idear what classes i'm even taking. as far as letting a kid know what goes on and what to do, edison preparatory school really bites. no one told ME to wander on up to the building in the blazing middle of summer to get my grade card. nor did anyone mention that i have to get my schedule. auch, we'll be all right. i love a surprise. i never got a chance to see the spook light in seneca, liars, they are. but i like and love my parents, as irritating as they can be. and the weekend was nice. i'm not related to a single person that we visited and that made all the difference. i get so ill of seeing the people that i share bloodlines with and my parents' friends are pretty neat. at one point i stood in a room full of women full of resentment for the electric stove and the cellular phone and the advancement of women in the workforce. anti-feminist, you say? it was so not that. they felt that their being made to become wives and mothers and breadwinners was underscored with added stress from, ironically, the things that were meant to cater convenience. i felt small and young, and lucky. lucky that i know what they know when i shouldn't. so i probably won't have children, or get married, or become an office drone. dilbert scares the hell out of me. i don't want to be that. and i won't. no one should have to be. well, enough preachypreach. i am tired and ecstatic and i'll never slumber tonight, so i might as well get a headstart on not being able to sleep. oh school! good night. ~kayla e.

2002-08-31T08:43:00.000-05:00

the name? makes no sense and i begin to think that catapults cannot be majestic no matter how hard they try. but i dream in bright colours and about things like catapults and that is reason enough. missouri awaits, beautiful sunny hills and the mysterious spooklights of seneca. i love a good roadtrip. i think my favourite book may be blue highways by william least-heat moon. it's non-fiction about an impromptu circumnavigation of the country made by the narrator after his being fired from a teaching job and his wife leaving him for good. he meets all kinds of people along the way and the most interesting are those that live in rural southern locales. another i think that i like so much is perks of being a wallflower . the main character, in the form of lettres to an unnamed friend, tells about his life as a quiet wallflower starting high school. a nice read, indeed. but anyway, it's time to hit the road. i hope the drive is long and relaxing. i hope the day is pleasant and sunny. i hope your day is sunny too. ~kayla e.

2002-08-31T02:07:00.000-05:00

i had so much to say but the computer thought it wiser to freeze itself up and remove any and all evidence of productivity in my little pink brain. we'll manage somehow. auch! a million words, phrases and intermissions initiated with the word "snazzy". gone! gone to the big computer in the sky. in other news, i've found that the time clock in this weblog is two hours behind central time zone. i don't know if that means mountain zone or pacific or eastern of whatever zone. just means that a person who reads this should automatically add two hours to the clickerclock, just so one knows how late and how early kayla has been typing. trust moi, makes a difference. in any case, after tapptapptapping away so much information that has been lost, i lack the will to tap too much more. musique interests come tomorrow, if you're lucky! and kayla's favourite books, which are no doubt childish and simple so deal with it. other tasks await. like playing spongebob squarepants jellyfishing game alll niiight! closing time, time for you to go out to the places you will be from. so gather up your jackets, move it to the exits, i hope you have found a friend. funny how some lyrics are so fitting for farewell. ah nice. we shall meet again. ~kayla e.

2002-08-30T02:02:00.000-05:00

tell your friends! brad m'lad. ask me what that means, start a conversation, eat ravioli

2002-08-30T01:47:00.000-05:00

oh the excitement! my very own canvas to scribble all over and not have to listen to any criticism, constructive or not. i had a lot to say not eleven minutes ago but my thoughts vacated. i do like the way shanghai is often used as a verb and listening to good music on the comp. you say "well that's a pretty general statement". and i counter with "yes but music that is good on my terms, in kaylaland". some think it's childish to type in all lowercase lettres. those people need to go write books on how to be grownups then use the money to buy a nice mature suit and briefcase. get a city job and never see his or her life again. my sister has become my best friend. that's how it should be i suppose but i'm new to this "friend" business or whatever the hey you kids call it these days. so my humor is on a more elementary level. we can't stop laughing at things like the flick "office space" or this new email circulating: there's a small introduction that states the link you're about to click to is a picture of a house apparently haunted by a woman. you look carefully at the picture and turn up your volume to hear the "whispering" of this ghost. wait for it wait for it. maybe two and one half minutes into your trance, this horrid face flashes and a giant "Woo!". it's possibly the scariest thing i've ever witnessed. i showed my younger sister and she flew up from her chair and ripped the headphone cord out of the speaker and then cried(she's twelve, mind you) and we never laughed harder. she cried more then laughed and my mom woke up mad. then she too laughed when we told her what she was freaking out about. mommy received the same email at her office and she screamed too and this office of her's is a blasted tomb. the mood of the evening was edging on hysterical. karol and i rented a few flicks the other day: "house of yes" and "gosford park". both were delightful in a twisted sort of way. i'd tell you about house of yes but it might take the rest of my sleeping time. oh well, parker posey plays one half of a pair of paternal twins. her brother is coming home for thanksgiving with his fiance, played by tori spelling. Jackie O, as they call her, is obsessed with this woman and her presence is not wanted. i should say that she's rather obsessed with her own brother, very jealous of this fiance. you find out later that they fooled around when they were younger but old enough to plenty know better. the brother, marty, would play jack kennedy and jackie would play who else but jackie o. he would act like he was sitting in the car on the day he was shot and jackie would use a gun loaded with a blank and shoot him then "cover him with her body". well they rehash this old game and end up sleeping together again and tori spelling, i forget her character's name, finds out through their younger brother, anthony, freddie prinze jr., who himself only that evening finds out about what his siblings did when they were younger. she sees the "game" then out of confusion and sadness and whatnot sleeps with anthony. blah blah, this is taking too long. i will cease this retelling. and you should see the flick anyway. it comes as a sundance recommendation and we really liked it. same goes for gosford park, a nice refreshing british production that was actually in theatres and while back. blank blank blank... i just reread all of this and it's so much! so much. a person could easily tire of this. oh by the way, i hope any and all persons read this, or else my mission will have failed. and another thing. i don't want anyone reading too much into the stuff i typety-type. i realize that some dark or disturbing undercurrent could find its way into this nonsense. it becomes understood that tiny kalita writes in a manner that has the capability of expressing much more than is or was intended. so what is here is here and is valuable on the surface only. all sales final. but i am not shallow in the conventional way, not like anyone who reads this might think. i am and am not a lot of things. know what? that can all wait for later, the more i type, the more tired i become. perhaps someone will stumble upon this and i will have a motive to tell all about my favourite books and music and a love for mix tapes before they became so fashionable. well, i will do that anyway, regardless of who provides feedback. i hope i don't come across as a copycat. of course i drew the idea of starting one of these things from everyone else who had one. but that's how the world stays on its axis. otherwise, we'd all be topsy-turvy in a paranoid state of suspicion and confusion. that's enough to be said. i've said enough. you've heard enough. have a good early morning or mourning, whichever you prefer depending on mood. ~kayla e.